How Did We Get Here
by serendiptious10
Summary: An Addison and Derek fic What went on with Shepherd's to cause their marriage to fall apart. How did Derek and Addison live with Addison's affair. Takes place right after Derek finds Addison and Mark in bed. Will they fight or just give up? Updated Dec30
1. Somethings Different Tonight

_Derek's POV:_

**I got this feeling, and I just can't turn it loose  
That somebody's been getting next to you  
I don't want to walk around knowin' I was your fool  
'Cuz being the man that I am  
I just can't lose my cool**

_It was a stormy night in New York and I had just walked in on my wife with my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, MY WIFE, My Addie with Mark. I sat downstairs waiting for him to leave, I already yelled at him and threw him off my wife. When I looked down seeing my wife's legs spread for another man, he was inside her where I belong. I looked up and saw Mark standing in the doorway._

Mark: Derek

Derek: Don't

_I walked past Mark fighting every urge I had to not kill him. I turned and stormed up the stairs to find Addie wearing my blue t-shirt her hair a mess and tears streaming down her face. I tried to look at her but I just couldn't, It was killing me to know that she was with him. I looked around the room and walked toward the closet gathering up some of her clothing._

**My friends keep telling me about the things that's going on babe  
But deep in my heart baby I hope that I'm wrong  
Yes I hope I'm wrong but I know it babe**

Addison: Derek Derek please listen to me. Derek you can't do this. Derek we have to talk about all this. You, you have

Derek: no

Addison: You have to give me a chance to explain. What are you doing? What are you doing with my clothes? Derek. It was one time, I know that's what people say, I know that's what always gets said. It was just I don't even know how it happened. I don't know what I was thinking. He…he was just here, he was just here

**Somebody's sleeping in my bed, my bed baby  
Somebody's takin' my place (baby)  
Somebody's sleeping in my bed baby  
And you know just what I mean, oh oh oh oh oh!**

_I walked down the stairs fighting everything inside of me to turn and look at her, I know if I look at her and see the pain in her eyes that I will fall apart. _

Derek: You screw my best friend and all you can say is he was just here. Get out

**I come home early expecting your warm embrace  
But something is wrong 'cuz its written all over your face  
It hurt so bad when I walked through the door  
But 'cha know one damn thing baby I ain't coming back no more  
No no no  
Now don't try to tell me things are still the same  
'Cuz when we made love I heard you call out his name, call out his name**

_With that I throw her clothes out the front door I turn around seeing her standing there on the stairs in my shirt, my blue shirt. My heart was aching as I fought back the tears hearing her voice again._

Addison: No

Derek: Get out

Addison: No no I'm not going. Were going to talk about this

Derek: Get out of my house NOW

**Somebody's sleeping in my bed tonight baby  
Somebody's takin my place  
Somebody's sleeping in my bed baby  
And you know just what I mean**

_I walk toward her _

Addison: No I'm holding my ground. I'm Holding my ground WE DON'T QUIT. We have to work

_I grab her and pull her toward the door _

Derek: Get out

Addison: What are you doing? Derek…NO NO

**Gave you money and every li'l thing that you need  
I gave you the world (yes i did) 'cuz you were my girl  
But you still ran out on me oh yeah**

_I push her outside and shut the door. Leaning against it hearing her cries. I turn away trying to drown out her cries. I felt my heart breaking apart of me wanted to take her in my arms but I can't look at her._

Addison: Please Derek Please

_I open the door and see my broken wife she wraps her arms around me begging me to give her a chance to show me how sorry she is. _

Addison: I'm sorry I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am. I'm sorry. Ok

Derek: Ok

Addison: Ok

_She tries to kiss me but I pull back, I can't look at her. I try so hard to look at her but I can't. _

Derek: I'm going to go you stay I'll get my clothes in the morning

Addison: No no no no no we can survive this Derek. We can survive this were, were Addison and Derek

Derek: I can't look at you I look at you and I feel nasuas I just. Were not Derek and Addison anymore

Addison: If you go now..if you go now were not going to get through this. If you go now we don't have a chance. We don't have a chance if you go now. If you go.

**Said you're sleeping in my bed  
Messin' with my head oooh  
Tell me why, oh why oh why  
Why oh why oh why  
Why oh why oh why oh why oh why said you're  
Sleeping in my bed  
Messin' with my head**

_I listen to her pleading with me to stay, I turn around open the door and walk out. I walk down the stairs slowly fighting with wanting to go back. I stop and turn around and start walking up the stairs. I could see her shadow through the window on the floor and hear her sobs. It broke my heart for the first time I see my Addie broken and falling a part. I froze at the door "open it" I couldn't open it, I turn and leave getting in my car driving off._


	2. All Alone

Before Derek came home:

**A hundred days had made me older  
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face**

It was a stormy night in New York and I got home from work, I tossed my keys in the dish on the side table while riffling through the mail. Nothing interesting placing the mail on the table I headed upstairs feeling empty walking through the house. I missed Derek for the last couple years I've noticed the change a house that used to be filled with laughter and love, is now filled with silence and tears. I walked around wondering how we went from being totally and completely in love to working all the time and forgetting about what matters the most. Each other.

**A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same****  
**  
I grabbed some take out on the way home and sat on the couch turning on the tv, and plunking in our wedding video. It was a late night and there was nothing on. I sat there missing Derek, remembering how on nights like this we would curl up on the couch by the fire and hold each other talking until all hours of the night. Remembering how he would make love to her gently making sure she felt the love he had for her.

**But all the miles had separate  
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face**

There was a knock at the door and I jumped hearing the thunder clasping loudly, I went to the door hoping it was Derek coming home early to surprise me. But boy was I wrong when I saw Mark standing there.

**I'm here without you baby  
but your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
but your still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me**

Mark: Addie

Addison: Mark what are you doing here?

Mark: I didn't want to be alone and I knew you were probably here alone

Addison smiled Mark was Derek's best friend and part of their family, she let him in and headed back to the couch.

Mark: So what are you watching?

Addison: Nothing much flipping through channels there's not much on

**The miles just keep rollin  
as the people either way to say hello  
I've heard this life is overrated  
but I hope that it gets better as we go**

Mark looked and could tell she was hurting and didn't know what to do. Derek was the love of her life and no matter how much he was absent she would always love him. They shared many years together and most of them happy and in love, but the last couple years he saw a change in them. He wasn't quite sure when, was it on her birthday two years ago when she sat at the restaurant waiting for him and he never came, or was it that anniversary he forgot about, or maybe it was the New Years eve where she sat in the hotel room crying for her husband who didn't show up. Mark wasn't sure when it was, but he knew that Addie wasn't happy but he also knew that she wouldn't ever love another man the way she loves Derek. He was the only family that she has, since her parents disowned her when she married Derek. He was angry with Derek for not seeing what he had and for not cherishing the beautiful red head that sat before him. Mark continued staring at Addison seeing the sadness in her eyes, seeing how lonely she was and how she wanted Derek. He looked at the tv and saw the DVD had been on and was stopped as the screen saver was going.

Mark: Well why don't we watch a movie?

Addison: sure why don't you pick one out and I'll go get some popcorn

**I'm here without you baby  
but your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
but your still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl it's only you and me**

Mark walked over to the dvd player and opened up the dvd and saw "Addison and Derek's Wedding" he wondered how often she would come home and watch the video. He sighed as he took it out of the player and placed it gently back into it's case. He turned and walked into the kitchen and found her standing by the sink.

Mark: Addie

I turned around feeling Mark close by, I looked at him and saw him staring at me. He was walking closer and my heart began racing a mile a minute and before I knew it his lips were on mine. "this is wrong" I pulled back and pushed him away.

**Everything I know,   
and anywhere I go  
it gets hard but it won't take away my love  
And when the last one falls,  
when it's all said and done  
it get hard but it won't take away my love**

Addison: Mark what are you

And before I knew it he was kissing me again, I don't remember the last time Derek kissed me like that. I slowly found myself wrapping my arms around him kissing him back. We were slowly shedding our clothes as we made our way upstairs and that was when it happened. Mark was making love to me, I laid there spreading my legs for him closing my eyes and imagining that it was Derek making love to me, but it wasn't Derek. No matter how hard I imagined it was, it didn't feel the same, but it felt so good at the same time. I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I thought of Derek, but if this was wrong then why did it feel so good. For the first time in years someone cared about me, someone was making love to me. I cried Derek hadn't made love to me in a year, and the only time we had sex was when he was angry or lost a patient.

**I'm here without you baby  
but your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
but your still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl it's only you and me**

The next thing I knew Derek was standing there pulling Mark off of me and I cried harder knowing that my life was about to change forever.


	3. If You Leave Now

_Addison's POV:_

**How do I get through one night without you  
If I had to live without you  
What kind of life would that be  
Oh I, I need you in my arms  
Need you to hold  
You're my world, my heart, my soul**

I looked up and saw him pulling Mark off of me throwing him to the ground, he was yelling and turned and looked at me. I had tears tolling down my face, my heart was breaking I couldn't believe that I just had sex with Derek's best friend. I looked at Derek and he looked at me full of hurt and betrayal, I knew right then and there that I had lost him. He turned and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. I looked over at Mark grabbing the blanket and pulling it over me crying harder.

Mark: Addie

Addison: Don't just Don't Mark go Please just go

Mark: Addie please

Addison: Mark GO

**If you ever leave  
Baby you would take away everything good in my life  
And tell me now**

I watched him finish putting on his pants and he walked out the door. I sat on the bed grabbing Derek's shirt pulling it over my head, grabbing a pair of panties I sat there crying.

Addison: What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?

Shortly later I heard Derek's footsteps coming up the stairs and the door opening. I looked up at him my hair a mess and the tears streaming down my face. I tried to get him to look at me but he wouldn't as he walked over to the closet I got up and went after him.

**How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive  
How do I  
How do I  
Oh, how do I live**

Addison: Derek Derek please listen to me. Derek you can't do this. Derek we have to talk about all this. You, you have

I tried to grab onto him but he just kept moving away. He wouldn't even look at me.

Derek: no

Addison: You have to give me a chance to explain. What are you doing? What are you doing with my clothes? Derek. It was one time, I know that's what people say, I know that's what always gets said. It was just I don't even know how it happened. I don't know what I was thinking. He…he was just here, he was just here

**Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky  
There would be no love in my life  
There'd be no world left for me  
And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do  
I'd be lost if I lost you  
I  
f you ever leave  
Baby you would take away everything real in my life  
And tell me now**

I followed him out of the room begging and pleading with him, but he wouldn't say anything. I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking at him as he opened the front door.

Derek: You screw my best friend and all you can say is he was just here. Get out

I watched him throw my clothes out the door. I knew right then and there that this was it, this was really it, my marriage was over. I had officially lost the one man I loved more then life itself.

Addison: No

He started walking toward me as I clutched onto the stair railing falling to the ground, Crying harder now.

Derek: Get out

Addison: No no I'm not going. Were going to talk about this

Derek: Get out of my house NOW

**How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive  
How do I  
How do I  
Oh, how do I live**

Addison: No I'm holding my ground. I'm Holding my ground WE DON'T QUIT. We have to work

He grabbed me by the arms and was dragging me to the door I was crying harder. He was hurting me now, his grip was hard and he was so angry as I continued crying harder, trying to hold onto him, whatever I could.

**Please tell me baby  
How do I go on**

Derek: Get out

Addison: What are you doing? Derek…NO NO

The door shut and I leaned against it banging my hands on the door screaming for him. My feet were cold as I was only in panties and a shirt. The rain was pouring and the thunder was clashing. Crying harder now I find myself begging him for forgiveness

Addison: Please Derek Please

**If you ever leave  
Baby you would take away everything  
Need you with me  
Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life  
And tell me now**

He opened the door and I wrapped my arms around him trying desperately to hold onto him.

Addison: I'm sorry I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am. I'm sorry. Ok

He said Ok maybe it will be ok

Derek: Ok

Addison: Ok

I tried to kiss him but he pushed me away and walked toward the door. That's when I heard him say he was leaving. My heart was racing, my body was shaking feeling my heart breaking as I looked at him trying to plead with him with my eyes.

Derek: I'm going to go you stay I'll get my clothes in the morning

Addison: No no no no no we can survive this Derek. We can survive this were, were Addison and Derek

**How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive  
How do I  
How do I  
Oh, how do I live**

We are Addison and Derek we love each other. Who am I if I'm not with Derek. I felt my knees getting weak as I heard him say he couldn't look at me. I felt him rip my heart out and stomp all over it, I didn't know what else to do as I watched him leave.

Derek: I can't look at you I look at you and I feel naseaus I just. Were not Derek and Addison anymore

Addison: If you go now..if you go now were not going to get through this. If you go now we don't have a chance. We don't have a chance if you go now. If you go.

**how do I live without you  
how do I live without you baby  
how do I live...**

He walked out the door shutting it behind him as I continued begging for him to come back. I fell to the floor crying harder now, screaming out for Derek to come back. I knew now he was gone he was really gone, gone forever and there was nothing that I could do.


	4. Were Not Making Love No More

_Derek's POV:_

**Sure I've been in love a time or two  
But in the end I still chose you  
No one could ever make me feel this way  
That's why it's killing me, what we're going through  
Somehow thought 'tween me and you  
Our love would stand the test of time and never ever fade**

The rain was pounding against the windshield and it was difficult to see, especially through the tears that were pouring down my face. I drove and drove trying to make sense of what I saw at my house. I couldn't shake the image of my wife naked, legs spread while my best friend was pounding his cock into her. That image was permanently burned in my brain forever. I finally pulled up to a hotel and checked in once I got to my room I sat on the bed replaying the events of tonight in my head.

**But we're not making love no more  
We're not even trying to change  
Tell me how it slips away  
Does it ever stay the same  
We don't even talk no more  
We've ran out of words to say  
Tell me it don't have to change  
Won't it ever stay the same**

I lied on the bed taking off my shoes and wet clothes, I realize I didn't bring and clothes with me and normally I wouldn't have to because if I ever got into a fight with Addie or didn't go home I went to Marks. But I can't go there now, he has ruined my marriage, Addie is mine not his. How could he do this to me? I love Addie she's my whole world and he just had to have her like everything else he has to have of mine.

**Girl I know that things aren't going right  
But don't you think it deserves a fight  
A love like ours don't happen everyday  
And we're losing it right as we speak  
And if we don't wake up, it's a memory  
A time gone past, a love that sailed away**

I looked over at my cell and saw that Addison was calling again, my heart was telling me to answer it and tell her that I would see her tomorrow. But the other part of me is telling me to forget about her she didn't deserve anything from me. I held the phone in my hand before I put it down not knowing what to do or who to call. I laid there and tried to shut out the images of my Addie with Mark hugging the pillow beside me, it was hard to not have Addison beside me, even though things have been hard for us I almost always went to bed with her sleeping beside me. Even when we were fighting and would leave I would still go home and crawl into bed with her, smelling the smell of her coconut vanilla shampoo and just hold her in my arms it was just my way to remind her I loved her, but now I can't even go home knowing that another man was in my bed with my Addie, my Addie. The tears began to flow freely again at the thought of my Addie with him, him inside of her a place that has been only for me for the last 13 years. He was making love to my Addie and she was letting him, how could she make love to another man when she's supposed to make love to me.

Addison's POV:

**But we're not making love no more  
We're not even trying to change  
Tell me how it slips away  
Does it ever stay the same  
We don't even talk no more  
We've ran out of words to say  
Tell me it don't have to change  
Won't it ever stay the same**

I laid on the floor curled up in a ball crying smelling Derek's shirt I could still smell him on the shirt. I often wore that shirt when I was missing him, because it smelt like him and when he was gone as long as I wore his shirt I felt close to him. It took me forever to gain the strength to pull myself up off the floor, but I just didn't have the strength. I wanted so badly to just disappear into the floor and not feel this pain anymore. I can't believe that I slept with Mark, oh god how I wished it was Derek. My Derek oh god I've lost him oh god no I need him, I can't lose him without him I'm just Addison and I've been Addison and Derek for 13 years. How can I just go to being Addison.

**I dream of lovers past and  
I see a girl so sad cause  
She lost the only man she loved  
He went away  
Well it's not too late for us  
To change**

I can't I can't I can't were Addison and Derek we have to always be Addison and Derek. We don't quit we can't we just can't. I can't breathe the tears continued pouring down her face falling creating a small pool on the hardwood floor. I have to call him, I have to hear his voice I have to I need him to come home and hold me like he always does, but I don't think he's ever coming home. The phone kept ringing and ringing and went to his voicemail, I hung up and called again and again not leaving a message. I want so badly to go back to when Mark showed up I shouldn't have let him in. How did this happen? I didn't want it to? I wanted Derek my Derek my Derek. I pound my fists into the floor getting angry with myself for allowing this to happen, how could I how could I be so stupid.

**But we're not making love no more  
We're not even trying to change  
Tell me how it slips away  
Does it ever stay the same  
We don't even talk no more  
We've ran out of words to say  
Tell me it don't have to change  
Won't it ever stay the same**

I finally manage to pull myself up off the floor and made my way up the stairs. Walking into the bedroom the memories of Mark on top of me filling me with his cock while I laid there imagining it was my husband, my Derek making love to me and not Mark. The image of seeing Derek looking at me with such disgust, anger and hurt is too much the only person I never wanted to hurt I hurt the most. I look at the bed and pull the blankets off carrying them downstairs and throwing them in the laundry room, I then turn around and curl up on the couch plunking in our wedding dvd. I laid there crying as I watched the happiest day of my life wondering how we got here.

**But we're not making love no more  
We're not even trying to change  
Tell me how it slips away  
Does it ever stay the same  
We don't even talk no more  
We've ran out of words to say  
Tell me it don't have to change  
Won't it ever stay the same**


	5. How Could We Lose Tomorrow

**We didn't make forever.  
We each got to go our seperate way,  
And now we're standing here, helpless,  
Looking for something to say.  
We've been together a long time.  
We never thought it would end.  
We were always so close to each other;  
You were always my friend.**

I woke up the next morning hoping the events from last night were just a dream but as I looked around the empty hotel room, I realized that they weren't a dream. I sat up knowing that there was no way I can go back to that house and go on pretending that everything was okay. I looked around wanting so badly for this to be an awful nightmare. Addie was the love of my life what am I going to do without her. I got up and headed toward the shower letting the hot water run down my back as I tried to wash away the memory of my wife fucking my best friend that were forever embedded in my brain. I cried tasting the salty tears as they rolled down my face, my heart was breaking and I didn't know what I should do next. I have to leave I can't go back to work and see her and Mark.

**And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.  
Hard to see you cry, my love.  
Hard to open up that door.  
You're not sure what you're going for.**

I headed out of the hotel that crisp cold morning walking through the streets of New York remembering the times I shared with Addie here. Remembering the time when we arrived in New York after we got married and how excited Addie was to start our lives here. I walked into the restaurant that we often went to for breakfast and sat at the table, those were the good days when we were madly in love and couldn't keep our hands off each other. I remember sitting there with her hearing her laugh and seeing her smile oh god I missed that smile and her laugh. She had this laugh that was infectious everytime I heard her laugh I couldn't help but laugh as well it was a contagious laugh. I ordered my breakfast and sat there staring at the empty seat across the table, I fought back the tears that were stinging my eyes as I remembered the happy moments we shared here. I couldn't stand it anymore the waitress brought over my breakfast and I tossed some money on the table.

**I didn't want this to happen,  
But we shouldn't feel sad.  
We had a good life together.  
Just remember, remember, all the times we had.  
It's not that I don't love you deeply  
You were my family  
It's just that I'm feeling there's so much more  
Waiting out there for you and me.**

Derek: I have to go

**And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.  
Hard to see you cry, my love.  
Hard to open up that door.  
You're not sure what you're going for.**

With that I walked out of the restaurant walking back to the hotel that was our home for a few months before we bought our house. I walked back picked up my car knowing I had to go home and pick up some clothes and I have to leave, I can't stay here anymore. I picked up the phone and called Richard in Seattle telling him I was coming out there, he was happy to have me and couldn't wait to see me. I pulled up to the house as the memories of pulling into the driveway last night haunted me. I walked up the stairs slowly taking a deep breath before I opened the door. As I walked in the door and stood in the entrance way I remembered the feeling that something was wrong last night. But this morning I heard the sound of Addison's laugh and walked into the living room and found her curled up on the couch clutching to my shirt with no blanket. I looked at the tv and saw our wedding video and it brought tears to my eyes I remembered that day just as if it was yesterday.

**You'll know I'll always love you.  
You'll know I'll always care.  
And no matter how far I may go,  
In my thoughts,  
You'll always be there.**

I remember standing at the alter with Mark as I waited for Addison to walk down the aisle toward me. I remember standing there and seeing her make her way toward me, remembering how beautiful she looked in her dress and the smile spread across her face as she made her way toward me. I remembered that it felt like it was taking forever and when she finally made it to me I took her hand in mine and kissed her softly on the lips knowing that I never wanted to be anywhere with out her. My memory was brought back to reality as I turned and headed upstairs to pack some clothes I remember standing outside my door hearing Mark's grunts as he was pounding my wife and hearing soft sobs. Why was she crying? I shrugged off the feeling as I walked into the room and the visions flooded me there on my bed was Addie with her legs spread wide holding onto Mark as he filled her with his cock. I slid down the wall cupping my face in my hands as I cried over the loss of my marriage and my best friend. I had to get out of here and fast I pulled myself up off the floor and started throwing clothes into a bag. Once I finished I walked out of the room and slowly down the stairs, stopping by the closet to grab a blanket.

**(It's so hard) hard to say good-bye, my love.  
(Baby, it's hard) hard to see you cry, my love.  
(It's hard) hard to open up that door,  
When you're not sure what you're going for.**

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I placed my bags down and walked into the living room glancing at the tv once more, there we were Derek and Addison wrapped up in an embrace I remember how she tasted and how she smelt that day. I shrugged the feeling once again as I placed a blanket over my wife and stopped to look down at her. Her eyes were red and swollen from the crying she did last night, her mascara smeared down her face and her hair a mess, she looked like a train wreck I have never seen her look like that before and I couldn't help but feel sadness.

**(It's so hard.)  
Good-bye my love.  
(Baby, it's so hard.)  
We didn't make forever.  
It's so hard.  
I can feel there's something more.  
(When you're not sure what you're going for.)  
We've got to work it,  
We've got to try,**

Our marriage as over the last 13 years we spent together were all just memories washed away and replaced with the memory of her and Mark. I took the blanket and covered her up, I used to come home and find her on the couch on late nights and would often carry her to bed but now it's different. As I place the blanket over her I kneel down moving the hair from her face and kissed her forehead softly and whispering in her ear "good bye Addie" I stood up walked toward the entrance way grabbing my bags taking one last look at her before I walked out of the house shutting the door behind me.

**Though it's hard, so hard  
We have to say good-bye  
Though it's hard, so hard  
We have to say  
We didn't make forever.  
How could we loose tomorrow?  
We didn't make forever.  
How could we loose tomorrow?**


	6. Unbreak My Heart

**Don't leave me in all this pain  
Don't leave me out in the rain  
Come back and bring back my smile  
Come and take these tears away  
I need your arms to hold me now  
The night are so unkind  
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me**

_I heard the door shut and woke up instantly knowing that he was here, I laid there crying I could feel him here, and smell him, I ran my hand over my forehead. I finally sat up wondering if he was here what did he do I ran upstairs riffling through the closet and my worst fear came reality when I saw most of his clothes were gone. I collapsed on the floor in the closet realizing that it was all over, 11 years of marriage was over. I found myself trembling from the waves of emotions running through me the pain I was feeling of losing Derek. I laid there trembling and crying as my mind started wandering to the day we moved into this house._

**Un-break my heart  
Say you'll me again  
Undo this hurt you caused  
When you walked out the door  
And walked out of my life  
Un-cry these tears  
I cried so many nights  
Un-break my heart  
My heart**

_Flashback:_

**Take back that sad word good-bye  
Bring back the joy to my life  
Don't leave me here with these tears  
Come and kiss that pain away  
I can't forget the day you left  
Time is so unkind  
And life is so cruel without you here beside me**

The movers had just finished moving the last of the stuff into the house, Derek thanked them and shut the door behind him running up the stairs to find his bride. He walked into the bedroom.

Derek: Well that's the last of the stuff

He looked around the room and couldn't find her when he heard her in the closet looking around, he couldn't help but laugh at her.

Derek: What are you doing?

Addison: Trying to see if this closet will be big enough

Derek: Addie honey you checked and double checked the closet before we bought the house

Addison looked at him: I know I just want to make sure everything is perfect

Derek laughed: You know what's perfect?

She looked at him and laughed: This closet

**Un-break my heart  
Say you'll love me again  
Undo this hurt you caused  
When you walked out the door  
And walked out of my life  
Un-cry these tears  
I cried so many nights  
Un-break my heart  
My heart**

She laughed as she ran out of the closet as he chased after both of them laughing she felt him right behind her as she made her way downstairs to the kitchen where he chased her around the Island listening to her soft screams before he finally caught her, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her close as she giggled wrapping her arms around his neck as his lips touched hers. He ran his tongue along her lips as she slowly parted her lips he accepted the invitation as their tongues glided together soft moans escaping from both of them. He leaned her against the Island as his hands slid down from her lower back down to her butt where he gave it a light squeeze as she squealed in his mouth. He pulled back and looked at her moving the one piece of hair that fell out of her hair tie. He stared deeply into her eyes.

Derek: I love you Addie

Addison: I love you to Derek

**Don't leave me in all this pain  
Don't leave me out in the rain  
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me**

His mouth was instantly covering hers again as her hands ran through his hair oh god how she loved his hair. His hands roamed up her shirt cupping her breast in his hand when they heard someone clearing their throat. They pulled apart both flushed and looked up seeing Nancy standing there.

**Don't leave me in all this pain  
Don't leave me out in the rain  
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me**

Nancy: Sorry the door was open. Should I come back later

Addison couldn't help laughing as she buried her face in Derek's shoulder.

Derek: Uh no Nanc it's okay just give us a minute

Nancy laughed as she turned and walked into the living room.

Derek: We will finish this later

**Un-break my heart  
Say you'll love me again  
Undo this hurt you caused  
When you walked out the door  
And walked out of my life  
Un-cry that tears  
I cried so many, many nights  
Un-break my**

Addison smiled as she pulled him close kissing him deeply before pulling away: I'll show Nanc around, while you get yourself settled.

She laughed as she walked out of the kitchen and into the livingroom.

**Un-break my heart  
Come back and say you love me  
Un-break my heart  
Sweet darlin'  
Without you I just can't go on  
Can't go on...**

I cry harder remembering our first day in this house, our house we were so in love and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. How did we get here, how did I end up lying in our closet half naked feeling as though my heart had been ripped right out of me. I lay their crying until I fell asleep.

That night as I lay in my empty cold bed looking around the hotel room. I realized how much I missed Addie. Seeing her like that on the couch broke my heart, she really is hurting to, but I can't get passed this I don't know how we can get passed this. I looked over at my phone, I picked it up and called the only person I know who could take care of her.

Derek: Nanc

Nancy: Der what's wrong?

I broke down hearing my sisters voice: I can't explain I left Addie please go to her

Nancy: WHAT Derek what happened?

Derek: Please Nance just go to her and take care of her

_I hung up the phone before she had the chance to say anything else, I just hope that Nancy will be able to help Addie through this. I've never seen Addie so broken before I just hope that she can come out of this okay. I rolled over hugging the pillow next to me crying into it as the image of Addie on the couch._

_I heard someone running up the stairs as I lay curled up on the closet floor staring at the empty space in front of me. My eyes hurt so much and I want to cry but I can't seem to cry anymore, I feel numb and empty. I miss Derek so much before it was just missing how we used to be and now I miss him and his presence. I hear someone walk into the room calling my name._

Nancy: Addie

_I don't move I just lay there hearing her voice knowing Derek must have called her. My best friend his sister, he always called her when he was worried about me some things don't change I guess. Hearing Nancy's voice I started sobbing again, he cared enough to send my best friend over._

Nancy: oh my god Addie

_I lay there feeling her hand on my face and I don't move, I don't look at her. I can't I'm so ashamed of what I have done_.

Nancy: Oh Addie come on lets get you up

_She tries to help me up and I just cry harder: Derek Derek oh god DEREK those were the only words that I could get out._

Nancy: come on please Addie let me help you

Addison: Derek

_I saw her lie down beside me as our eyes locked, tears pouring down my face leaving black wet stains on the white carpet. I saw my best friend laying there looking at me with worry and confusion, she had known how unhappy I have been for the last 2 years. I don't understand how we went from being so happy to being unhappy and barely speaking to eachother. I cry harder thinking this over and over in my head trying to make sense of how this happened. How I ended up lying on the floor in our closet with my best friend holding my hand as I cried._

Nancy: Oh Addie it's going to be okay. It's you and Derek

_I look at her hearing her say it's just me and Derek but I know now it's not me and Derek anymore were not Addison and Derek. I'm Addison and he's Derek just to separate people now._

Addison: not anymore

_I lay there with my best friend holding my hand as I felt my eyes getting heavy, I'm exhausted all this crying and pain is too much for me to bear. I close my eyes but as soon as I do I remember watching Derek walk out the door leaving me, but eventually I can't keep them open and find myself drifting off to sleep._


	7. Can We Get This Back?

_I am lying in bed crying when I hear my phone ring, I roll over and see that it's Nancy._

Derek: Nanc

Nancy: Der I don't know what's going on with you two and I don't want to, but I saw clothes all over the front step, and I can't get Addie to move. She's lying on the closet floor crying, she's not moving and barely speaking. What the hell happened?

I feel myself break down: Nanc it's not good I'm sorry

Nancy: Derek please she's asking for you come home

Derek: I can't Nance I can't

Nancy: Derek I have to go home, the kids need me and I don't want to leave her right now like this. I've never seen her like this, it's not good Derek. She won't even talk to me and she won't let me help her.

Derek: Nance she'll be fine just check on her in the morning

Nancy: NO DEREK NO. I know that things haven't been great with you two and I don't know what the hell happened nor do I want to know. But Derek Shepherd I'm tired of picking up the pieces, everytime you broke her heart when your work became more important then her I was there. Now swallow up your damn pride and go help your wife.

**You used to talk to me like **

**I was the only one around **

**You used to lean on me **

**The only other choice was falling down **

**You used to walk with me like **

**We had no where we needed to go **

**Nice and slow **

**To no place in particular **

_Before I had the chance to respond she hung up the phone. I put the phone down and replayed what she said over and over in my head. What was she talking about everytime I broke her heart, my work has never been more important then Addie. I looked over at the clock it was 11:30pm, I crawled out of bed thinking I should at least go check on Addie. I get into the car and make my way to the house. As I'm walking up the stairs I remember the day we moved it._

Flashback:

Derek: Were home

Addison smiled as she looked at him grabbing his hand as she ran up the stairs: Home

She went to open the door when Derek stops her pulling her close to him wrapping her arms around his neck she smiled up at him as he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips before picking her up: Were doing this right

Addison laughed as she felt herself being swooped up and carried over the threshold her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He stopped in the entrance way kissing her deeply before placing her feet back onto the ground.

Derek: I love you Addie always and forever

Addison smiled back at him: I love you to

**We used to have this figured out **

**We used to breathe without a doubt **

**When nights were clear you were the first star that i'd see**

**We used to have this under control **

_I found myself smiling at the memory as I walked up the stairs, picking up her wet clothes carrying them inside as the memories of last night came flooding back. Seeing Addie standing on the stairs holding onto the railing screaming how we don't quit. I slowly made my way up the stairs to the bedroom I could hear her soft sobs coming from the closet as I made my way over to her._

Derek: Addie

**We never thought we used to know **

**At least there's you **

**And at least there's me **

**Can we get this back? **

**Can we get this back? **

**To how it used to be**

_I lay on the floor sobbing as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs I can't even move and I don't care anymore. I want to stay in this closet and never come out again. Then I hear his voice, I can't even move to look at him, I'm so weak._

Derek: Addie

**I used to reach for you **

**I got lost along the way **

**I used to listen **

**You always had the just right thing to say **

_I look down at her and my heart breaks I slowly found all the anger and hurt that I had in me fade looking down at my broken wife. I knelt down beside her moving the hair from her face and saw so much pain looking in her eyes. I picked her up off the ground cradling her in my arms, as we both cried._

_I wrapped my arms around his neck instinctively as I cried harder into his chest. I felt safe in his arms and I didn't want this feeling to ever end._

Addison: I'm so sorry I'm sorry so sorry

Derek: shhh

_We stayed in that closet for hours just holding onto one another crying over the last 13 years and the last 11years of our marriage._

**I used to follow you **

**Never really cared where we would go **

**Fast or slow **

**To anywhere**


	8. Holding On

**WARNING MATURE CONTENT RATED M FOR MATURE**

**Hey, yeah...  
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah  
Hey, yeah  
Oh...oh...oh...oh...  
Oh, yeah  
Oh...oh...**

_I picked her up and carried her into the bathroom, as I set her feet down on the ground she clung to me._

Derek: I'm just going to get you into the shower

_I felt him carry me into the bathroom as he set my feet down, I clung to him harder not wanting to let go. Afraid if I let go that would be the last time I would see him._

Derek: Addie let me help you get into the shower and get you cleaned up

**When I think of what I've done all the pain that I've  
brung  
Baby, you should have walked out on me  
And when I've turned away from you whenever there were  
hard times  
How could you still be with me**

_I knew he was right I felt dirty from the night before. But I'm scared to let go of him. I looked into his eyes, what once were sparkling blue eyes were now dark and sad. I let go of him and stood back as we looked deeply into one another's eyes. Both seeing the pain that we have caused one another, but both still feeling the love that we have shared over the years that love can't and won't be erased overnight._

**And there is no mistake when I hurt you that day  
And went out with somebody new  
But still you forgave me like it was so easy  
I should have been mad at you**

_I felt him take my arms and lift them up as his hands slid down to the bottom of my shirt, never breaking eye contact until he lifted it over my head. I looked at him as his hands slid down my arms to may waistline where he slid my panties down as I stepped out of them._

**Baby, it breaks my heart  
To think that lovin' me is not so easy to do  
And I don't mean to make it hard  
Sorry for all the changes I put you through**

_I looked up at her standing in front of me naked, looking so vulnerable and sad but so beautiful at the same time. Even with her hair a disheveled mess, and her face stained with mascara and tears, she looked like the day I met her, she had just lost her mother to cancer and was walking out of the hospital, and walked right into me, her face was tear stained with mascara running down her face and her hair was a mess, but she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I used to think it was fate that we were supposed to meet that day, because from that day on we were inseparable. I stood up and turned on the shower turning around looking back at her I stood right in front of her. I felt her hands slide up my chest as she slowly unbuttoned each button her eyes turned from sadness to need and desire._

**And it's hard to believe after everything  
That you're still here right beside me  
Wouldn't trade you for this whole world  
Thankful just bein' your girl**

_I stood before him naked staring deeply into his eyes seeing the love that he still had for me. As I got his shirt unbuttoned I looked at his chest running my hands along his bare chest feeling his warmth. As I slid his shirt off letting it fall to the ground, I slid my hands down unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants and sliding them down as he stepped out of them. I looked up at him and saw Derek, the Derek that has always loved me the love of my life Derek. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his arms tighten around my waist pulling me closer to him as our lips crashed together._

**Never gave you my heart 'cause I never thought  
You deserved any of me  
I never told you how I felt when deep inside I knew  
that  
You're really what I need**

_I felt her arms around my neck, feeling her hot breath on my neck and I found myself wrapping my arms tighter around her waist pulling her closer to me as our lips crashed together. I stepped back opening the shower door as we made our way in our lips never parting. The water cascading over our bodies as we held tightly onto one another, I felt her release her grip on my neck looking deeply into my eyes_.

Addison: Make love to me Derek

**And I always gave you up whenever I saw  
Something better come along  
And right when I come back you're waitin' for me  
And you welcome me home**

_I picked her up leaning her against the shower wall as I entered her, feeling her walls tighten around my thick hard cock. I held myself there holding her tight in my arms as her legs wrapped tightly around my waist, and her face buried in my neck. I pulled our slightly and re entered her thrusting into her gently, looking deeply into her eyes._

**Baby, it breaks my heart  
To think that lovin' me is not so easy to do  
And I don't mean to make it hard  
Sorry for all the changes I put you through**

_I felt him pick me up and the cold tiles against my back, I stared deeply into his eyes, feeling his body pressed tightly against mine and I felt his thick hard cock buried dep into the very depths of my pussy, as I clenched around him. Wrapping my legs tightly around his waist burying my face in his neck. I was in ecstacy he hasn't made love to me like this in years, this wasn't about anger, or resentment, it was out of love. I loved it when he took his time as he continued thrusting deep inside of me. I screamed out slightly as each thrust got deeper, digging my nails into his back holding onto him tightly. I felt his mouth on my neck kissing the spot on my neck that he knew so well. I felt the tears building up as the tears started falling, remembering how it once was._

**And it's hard to believe after everything  
You're still here right beside me  
Wouldn't trade you for this whole world  
Thankful just bein' your girl**

_I felt her digging her nails into my back, the way she used to when we made love, I loved her quiet screams everytime I plunged deeper into her. I kissed her neck the spot I knew so well. I felt the water splashing hard against my back as I continued to lose myself in my wife. I pulled back slightly holding myself inside of her feeling her pulsating around my cock as I looked into her eyes, seeing a few tears falling down her cheeks I wiped them away before covering my mouth with hers, feeling her moist wet tongue against mine as I tightened my grip on her back, holding her as close to me as I could making us one once again. I continued thrusting deeply into her letting out a loud groan "oh Addie" hearing her soft voice calling out my name "Derek" as I felt her begin to tremble a feeling I haven't felt in years she often trembled when her orgasm reached it's peak._

**And if it takes my whole life I'll make it up to you  
'Cause I've been so cruel  
And you've given your love to me in spite of  
everything  
I-I don't deserve you**

_I felt him stop thrusting his cock into me looking deeply into my eyes, feeling his hand wipe away the tears that had been cried as his mouth covered mine. Feeling his tongue swirling with mine I tightened my grip feeling his tighten around me as he continued thrusting deeper into me as I heard him call my name "oh Addie" Hearing him call my name out like that, with so much love, oh god how I've missed this I found myself beginning to tremble calling out his name "Derek" as I felt my orgasm reach it's peak. It wasn't long before I felt him explode his hot thick cum into me holding onto him tighter as our lips met once more. I don't know if this love making was a final goodbye or what it was, but he hasn't made love to me like that in over a year. He continued holding onto me tightly as I heard him start to cry._

**From this day forward I'm truly yours  
But it took me a whole to see  
That we were meant for one another  
Thank you for loving me**

_Feeling her tremble in my arms it wasn't long before I couldn't hold on anymore before I exploded into her holding her closer as our lips met once more. Not knowing what this was or if it was just getting caught up in the moment I started to cry not knowing what was going to happen now. All I know is that was the best sex we've had in over a year. Her body fit perfectly against mine, her arms were still wrapped tightly around me and her legs wrapped tightly around my waist. We stayed there like that until the water became cold against our bodies. As we stepped out of the shower I looked at her and she looked back up at me._

**Baby, it breaks my heart  
To think that lovin' me is not so easy to do  
And I don't mean to make it hard  
Sorry for all the changes I put you through**

Addison: I love you Derek always and forever

Derek: I love you Addie

**And it's hard to believe after everything  
You're still here right beside me  
Wouldn't trade you for this whole world  
Thankful just bein' your girl**

_I helped her get dressed as we walked out of the bathroom, as we walked into the bedroom, the memories of Addie with Mark came flooding back and the reality of the situation came back. I don't know if I got caught up in the moment or what happened, but I couldn't shake the feeling of her being with Mark. We were standing in the middle of our room staring at each other both knowing the reality of what was coming, as I looked at her collapse in front of me crying, as I walked over to her wrapping my arms around her._

**Baby, it breaks my heart  
To think that lovin' me is not so easy to do  
And I don't mean to make it hard  
Sorry for all the changes I put you through**

Addie: I'm so sorry Derek

_I turned around looking at Derek as we walked into the room, knowing the reality of what was coming, as I found the tears building up again and felt my knees become weak again, as I fell to the ground crying. It wasn't long before his arms were wrapped tightly around me as I told him how sorry I was. When I heard a familiar voice walking up the stairs._

**And it's hard to believe after everything  
You're still here right beside me  
Wouldn't trade you for this whole world  
Thankful just bein' your girl**


	9. Saying Goodbye is Hard to Do

Mark: Addie

_We both turned and looked up and when I saw him I felt the rage inside of me build up again._

Mark: Derek oh god man I'm so sorry I just wanted to come and apologize to Addie.

_I let go of Addie who was trying to hold onto me and walked up to Mark staring at him full of anger and hatred._

Derek: Sorry your sorry. For what Mark for fucking my wife in my bed? Or for showing up now? What the HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?

Mark: Derek I just

Derek: Wanting to finish what I interrupted the last night?

Mark: No that's not it

I pushed past Mark taking one more look at Addie lying on the floor crying and calling out for me "DEREK DEREK NO DON'T DEREK DON'T GO"

Derek: Good bye Addie

_I walked out of the house leaving Mark and Addie wondering how long this had been going on for. She said it was one time, but having him show up like that makes me question it. As I slammed the door behind me saying goodbye to the world I had known and walked down the stairs taking one last look at the house before I got in my car, taking my time as I drove down my street for the last time. I pulled up to the hotel for the last time, tomorrow I'm leaving for Seattle and I won't ever return to New York._

_I laid on the floor crying as I watched Derek leave this time I know it's for good. His final words ringing over and over again in my head. "good bye Addie" I felt Mark wrapping his arms around me as I pushed him away punching him with my fists._

Addison: GO AWAY GO AWAY I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

Mark: Addie please baby I'm so sorry

Addison: NO I HATE YOU GO AWAY LEAVE ME ALONE

Mark: Addie

Addison: GO MARK GO

_I looked up at him tears streaming down my face looking at him. I watched him turn around and walk away. Hearing the door shut behind him, I laid on the floor crying my heart was breaking and I felt empty. Derek was gone and I was lying on my bedroom floor banging my fists on the floor I felt as though my heart had been ripped right out of me, which in reality might as well of happened because as soon as Derek walked out the door he took it with him. I laid there until I fell asleep not wanting to move, never wanting to leave that spot again._


	10. One is Breaking Into Two

**I tried with all my might  
But still don't understand why we ever let it get so out of hand  
My arms are reaching out and holding on tight  
To what has always felt so right  
It's hard to figure out the answers to the questions  
When both our lives are going in separate directions**

_A week later I still lie in bed, I haven't left the house since the night Derek left. My heart aches for him wanting him to be here and hold me. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him and it's killing me, I feel empty inside and just want to sink into this bed and never be seen again. The tears should have been all drained from my eyes, but when I feel that I couldn't possibly cry anymore, I find myself crying once again. My eyes are so red and puffy that they hurt. I watch our wedding video over and over remembering a day when we were happy. I heard someone walking up the stairs and looked over at the door and saw Nancy standing there._

Nancy: Addie you need to get up

Addison: I don't want to

Nancy: Addie come on

Addison: Nanc please I just want to disappear. He's gone and it's all my fault

**One is breaking into two  
And my heart is turning blue  
And you still don't get it, do you, do you  
I thought we had all the love to go it for the long run  
So before the damage is done  
Let's start back over at one**

_I saw her walk toward me and crawl into bed with me, she took my hand as I looked up at her._

Nancy: I know this is hard Addie but you can't stay in here forever, it's not good or healthy for you

Addison: I just I just don't know what else to do. Nanc he's all I have, and I love him so much, I don't know how to go on without him

**Lights out when every evening used to get so hot  
Now we got so damned distracted we forgot  
How to lock the world away and just get lost in where you end and where I begin  
Love is strong but it's so easy to divide  
So boy let's think about  
how much is on the line**

Nancy: Oh Addie I know, but staying in bed for a week isn't going to help. You have to get up put on a brave face and face the world head on. You have to fight for him, and you can't do that lying here.

Addison: I just love him so much

Nancy: I know you do

**One is breaking into two  
And my heart is turning blue  
and you still don't get it do you, do you  
I thought we had all the love to go it for the long run  
so before the damage is done  
let's start back over at one**

I lied there with my best friend holding my hand as I cried for my husband. I knew she was right I couldn't do anything about him staying in bed, I had to get up, and face the world again. It's just been the last 11 years I haven't had to face the world without him and I'm scared to face it alone.

**One is breaking into two  
My heart is turning blue  
And you still dont get it do you, do you  
We had all the love to go it for the long run  
So before the damage is done let's start back over as**

Nancy: You don't have to do it alone. I'm here

_It was like she was reading my mind, I looked at her wiping away the few tears before getting out of bed._

Addison: I'm going for a shower

Nancy: Good then we will go get something to eat

**One is breaking into two  
And my heart is turning blue  
and you still don't get it do you, do you  
I thought we had all the love to go it for the long run  
so before the damage is done  
let's start back over at one**

_I looked back at her as I walked into the bathroom and smiled weakly before shutting the door behind me. I knew she was right I needed to get out of bed, I needed to get out of the house. But what I really wanted and needed was Derek._

**(Start back over at one)  
(Got to get back, got to get back)  
One**

A week later I stepped foot into Richard's office, I was looking forward to this fresh start. I shook the feeling of Addie from me as I walked in and saw him look up.

Richard: Derek

Derek: Richard thanks for having me

Richard: No thank you for coming out here. Where's that beautiful wife of yours?

_I look down fighting back the pain I was feeling, this week has been hell, I missed Addie like crazy._

Derek: She's in New York

Richard: She's in New York then what are you doing here?

I looked at Richard and sighed: Were separated Richard

Richard: oh you and Addison. Wow I never thought that would ever happen

Derek: Neither did I

Richard: Well then I guess you can start tomorrow?

Derek: You bet. I will see you tomorrow Richard

_I got up and started to walk out of the office when I heard Richard._

Richard: Derek call her

Derek: What?

Richard: You miss her call her. I'm sure you two could work this out. You both love each other, I have never seen two people more perfect for one another then you and Addison. You have been through so much together.

Derek: I can't Richard, it's not that simple.

_With that I walked out the door fighting back the tears, we have been through so much together, and Addie and I were always perfect for each other, but is that enough to get passed her sleeping with my best friend. I sighed as I walked through the halls of Seattle Grace my new home. I saw doctors and nurses laughing and saw a couple walking hand and hand going into an on call room and it reminded me of Addison._

Flashback:

Addison was standing at the nurses station filling out a chart as Derek walked up to her wrapping his arms around her waist kissing her cheek, and whispered in her ear.

Derek: Dr.Shepherd do you have a minute?

Addison: For you Dr.Shepherd anytime

The couple walked hand in hand down the hall to an empty on call room where instantly their clothes were coming off, when their pagers went off.

_I stopped and stood in the hall way when I saw the couple emerge from the room fixing their hair and clothes as they ran to answer what appeared to have been a page. I found myself laughing slightly at the thought, oh how it reminded me of Addison. I shrugged off the feeling as I made my way out of the hospital and across the street to the Emerald City bar I heard a few people talk about. I walked in ordered my drink and sat at a table when I noticed her._


	11. Missing You

**I never asked for this feeling  
I never thought I would fall  
I never knew how I felt  
Till the day you were gone  
I was lost  
I never asked for red roses  
I wasn't looking for love  
Somehow I let my emotions take hold  
And guess what all at once  
I'm in love**

_I watched the people walking through the streets of New York as I walked with Nancy, we walked thru Central Park and I was flooded with memories of Derek. When we first moved here we walked thru here several times as I looked around seeing couples walking hand in hand and it was killing me, my heart ached for Derek. We continued walking and walked over the gapstow bridge and I stopped right in the middle, remembering this is where Derek proposed. I stopped and closed my eyes as my mind went back to that day._

**Oh I miss you so much  
I long for your love  
It's scares me  
Cause my heart gets so weak  
That I can't even breathe  
How can you take things so easily  
Baby why aren't you missing me?**

Flashback:

Walking hand in hand through Central Park, they had been together for just about a year. They had just walked through the Shakespearean garden Derek's hand holding onto hers tightly. Addison remembered his hands being sweaty and he was very nervous and she was worried that he was going to be breaking up with her at first by the way he was acting, but as they made their way over to the Gapstow bridge and he stopped and looked at her she knew differently.

She leaned against the edge of the bridge looking out into the water and looked up seeing the sun getting ready to set the sky was turning a beautiful pink. He walked up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist kissing her cheek.

**Why did I act like you mattered  
It was silly of me to believe  
That if I just opened my heart  
Things would come naturally  
Jokes on me (yeah)  
I did not ask for love letters  
So why did you give them to me  
How could I let your intentions  
Get hold over me  
So in love  
So naive (oh baby)**

Derek: Addie

She turned around in his arms looking into his sparkling blue eyes that were filled with so much love, more love then she has ever seen or known. She felt so lucky to have one person in the world who loved her with no family left he was the only person in her life that she loved and loved her back, he was her family.

Addison: Derek

He ran his hand along her cheek moving a piece of her hair that had fallen in front of her face. His heart was racing as he continued staring at her, he loved her so much and couldn't imagine life with out her. He never thought that he would ever fall in love the way he had, he had fallen completely in love with her and couldn't imagine life without her in it.

Addison: Derek what's going on? You have me worried

**Oh I miss you so much  
I long for your love  
It's scares me  
Cause my heart gets so weak  
That I can't even breathe  
How can you take things so easily  
Baby why aren't you missing me**

He looked deeply into her eyes and leaned forward brushing his lips against hers, kissing her softly as their tongues danced together in the soft moonlight that had now taken the suns place.

Derek: I love you Addie

Addison: I love you to Derek

He pulled back holding her hands in his as he got down on one knee looking up at her with the soft glow of the moonlight behind her. He took a deep breath looking up at her seeing the tears forming in her eyes. Both of their hearts were racing a mile a minute.

**And oh how I hate what you have done  
Made me fall so deep in love  
God knows  
You're the only one I want  
That I love oh baby**

Addison: Oh my god Derek

Derek: For so many years, I have been searching for the one

and who would have thought that you would be that one

Then one day I found you, and right then I knew,

I had found my one true love.

I guess it was fate and destiny that brought us together

It's not hard to see that the love I have for you

Will never go away,and I can't live my life without you

So I'm down on one knee and all I wanna do

Is say the one thing I've been wanting to say

Will you marry me and take a lifetime journey for two?

They say that marriage is a long-distance race

Will you run with me across the finish line?

I swear I'll cherish you for the rest of my days

because my heart is always with you.

Addison Forbes Montgomery I want to spend my days

growing old with you, so will you do me the honor

and grow old with me?

Addison: Yes Derek Yes

He slipped the ring on her finger standing up wrapping their arms around one another as they kissed deeply under the moonlight with people clapping around them. He spun her around as they held onto one another.

Derek: I love you Addie

Addison: I love you to

**Oh I miss you so much  
I long for your love  
It's scares me  
Cause my heart gets so weak  
That I can't even breathe  
How can you take things so easily  
Baby why aren't you missing me**

_I was standing there tears streaming down my face as I stood in the exact spot that Derek had proposed to me 12 years prior. I looked over and saw Nancy staring at me._

Nancy: Oh my god Addie I'm so sorry I wasn't thinking

Addison: He proposed right here in this exact spot 12 years ago

_I felt her arms wrap tightly around me as I cried into her shoulder looking at my wedding rings, seeing the engagement ring he had placed there 12 years ago. Missing him deeply wondering if he missed me._

**Baby why aren't you missing me?  
Baby why aren't you missing me?**


	12. I Can't Live a Lie

**Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you  
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier  
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange  
But I can't watch you walk away**

_A month later I was lying in bed with Meredith being with her made me feel so free, she was nothing like Addison, but then again she wasn't Addison. As Meredith was sleeping with her head on my chest I thought of how Addie used to the same, smelling Meredith's hair it smelt like some flower nothing like Addison's hair. as I lay there I looked at my finger where my wedding band once used to be and felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness, like my heart was being ripped in two. Feeling half alive but mostly dead I sighed thinking about Addie and how much I missed her, feeling half of me was missing, Addie was my other half but it was over._

**Can I forget about the way it feels to touch you?  
And all about the good times that we've been through  
Could I wake up without you every day?  
Would I let you walk away?**

_A month later I was lying in bed with Nancy as she held my hand as we stared down at the pregnancy test in my hands as I cried. Not knowing if it was Derek's baby or Mark's baby. Nancy held onto my as I cried in her shoulder thinking about Derek wondering what I was going to do. I felt as though my heart was being ripped in two, feeling half alive but mostly dead. Ever since Derek left me I have felt empty as though I was missing half of me, and in reality I was, Derek was my other half but it was over. I found myself looking at my wedding rings feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness._

**No, I can't learn to live without  
And I can't give up on us now**

**Oh, I know I could say were through  
And tell myself I'm over you  
But even if I made a vow  
I promise not to miss you now  
And try to hide the truth inside  
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie**

_As I lay there looking at my bare finger I couldn't help but feel Addie, something was wrong. It was almost as though I could feel her heart breaking I tried to shake the feeling that I was having, but I couldn't. "Addie" I said softly as I slid out of the bed replacing a pillow in my place careful not to wake Meredith. I got dressed and got into my car needing to get away, needing to go for a drive to clear my head, whenever Addie and me got into fight I would often get in my car and drive around for hours before returning home and crawling into bed with her pulling her close to me feeling her body melt into mine making us whole again._

**Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?  
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy  
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe  
The way you know just what I mean**

_As I lay there looking at my wedding rings I couldn't help but feel Derek, something was wrong. It was almost as though I could feel his heart breaking. "Derek" I said softly as I looked over at Nancy dropping the pregnancy test on the bed before getting up and grabbing my car keys. I need to get out of here, I need to go for a drive, whenever Derek and I used to fight, shortly after he would leave, I would hop in my car and go for a drive before returning home and crawling into bed. It wasn't long after I had done that, that he would come home and wrap his arms around me pulling me close to him as my body would melt into his making us whole again._

**No, I can't learn to live without  
Ohh, so don't you give up on us now **

Ohh, I know I could say were through  
And tell myself I'm over you  
But even if I made a vow  
I promise not to miss you now  
And try to hide the truth inside  
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Ohh, and I don't wanna try

_As I drove through the streets of Seattle, memories of nights like this as I would drive through the streets of New York after a fight with Addison. I remember shortly after our son passed away how our lives changed, After an hour of driving around I drove back to Meredith's and crawled into bed with her, a tear escaped from my eye as I came back to reality realizing that I wasn't going to be pulling my wife close and holding her in my arms tonight. "Addie" I said softly feeling her pain as if she was right here with me. I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep knowing that was highly unlikely._

**Ohhhh, I know I could say were through  
And tell myself I'm over you  
But even if I made a vow  
I promise not to miss you now  
And try to hide the truth inside  
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie**

**I just can't live a lie**

_As I drove through the streets of New York like I had done on many previous nights, thoughts of Derek flooded my head. I cried harder not knowing what I was going to do, my heart wanted this baby to be Derek's but my head was telling me to think of the reality of things. Derek and I have been together for 13 years and haven't gotten pregnant except for that one time. I cried harder remembering 3 years ago when we found out I was pregnant how happy and ecstatic we both were, but then when our little boy was born three months early and didn't make it, our lives changed forever. After an hour of driving I went back home and opened the door to the nursery that we never had the heart to go into since we weren't able to bring our son home. I cried harder as I fell to the floor crying wondering what I was going to do and knowing that Derek wouldn't be there to comfort me and make it easier. "Derek" I said crying out feeling that he was in pain tonight wondering what he was doing and what he was thinking about, wondering if he felt my pain as well. I slowly drifted off to sleep on the floor of the nursery._

**But even if I made a vow  
I promise not to miss you now  
And try to hide the truth inside  
I fail cause I, I just can't live a lie **

Oh, I cant live a lie

**Oh, I cant live a lie**


	13. Ties that bind

_It was 6 weeks later since I found out I was pregnant as I sat in Nancy's office waiting for the DNA results. Two weeks ago we did a CVS (chronic villus sampling) test. Luckily we were able to trick Mark into a DNA sample to know if it was his baby or not and if the test came back negative with Mark then I know it's Derek's baby. My heart was racing a mile a minute praying to god this was Derek's baby and not Mark's. I have never been so nervous before in my life, as I sat there waiting for Nancy. When she opened the door I nearly jumped out of my seat when the door opened and I turned and looked at Nancy._

Addison: Nancy tell me it's Derek's

_I looked at her my heart racing feeling nauseated crossing my fingers as I held my breath and closed my eyes._

Nancy: Yes Addie it's Derek's baby

_Hearing those two words "Derek's baby" I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I looked up at Nancy with tears in my eyes, I had a mix of emotions running through me. I was happy, yet sad, scared and confused, I didn't know what to think of this. Do I keep the baby? Do I tell Derek? Can I go through another pregnancy and not be fearful of losing my baby? Can I do it alone? I buried my face in my hands as Nancy wrapped her arms around me._

Nancy: Addie you need to tell Derek

Addison: Nanc what if he doesn't want the baby?

Nancy: Oh Addie I know Derek he couldn't possibly not want a baby. Derek loves children

Addison: But would he want one with me

_I felt her arms tighten around me as she held me in her arms as I cried worried about what I would do next. My hand went to my stomach thinking of the baby that was inside of me, my baby, Derek's baby, our baby. My mind flashed back to the night he came home and picked me up off the closet floor and made love to me in the shower the way he used to make love to me. The way he used to, the way it used to be so full of love and desire and not full of anger and resentment like our love making had turned into, it wasn't even love making it was just sex no feelings of love behind them at all. But not that night, that night was different that night was full of love and need and that love created a baby._

Flashback:

We stayed in that closet for hours just holding onto one another crying over the last 13 years and the last 11years of our marriage.

I felt him carry me into the bathroom as he set my feet down, I clung to him harder not wanting to let go. Afraid if I let go that would be the last time I would see him.

Derek: I'm just going to get you into the shower…..Addie let me help you get into the shower and get you cleaned up

I knew he was right I felt dirty from the night before. But I'm scared to let go of him. I looked into his eyes, what once were sparkling blue eyes were now dark and sad. I let go of him and stood back as we looked deeply into one another's eyes. Both seeing the pain that we have caused one another, but both still feeling the love that we have shared over the years that love can't and won't be erased overnight.

I felt him take my arms and lift them up as his hands slid down to the bottom of my shirt, never breaking eye contact until he lifted it over my head. I looked at him as his hands slid down my arms to may waistline where he slid my panties down as I stepped out of them.

I stood before him naked staring deeply into his eyes seeing the love that he still had for me. As I got his shirt unbuttoned I looked at his chest running my hands along his bare chest feeling his warmth. As I slid his shirt off letting it fall to the ground, I slid my hands down unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants and sliding them down as he stepped out of them. I looked up at him and saw Derek, the Derek that has always loved me the love of my life Derek. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his arms tighten around my waist pulling me closer to him as our lips crashed together.

He stepped back opening the shower door as we made our way in our lips never parting. The water cascading over our bodies as we held tightly onto one another, I released my grip on his neck looking deeply into my eyes.

Addison: Make love to me Derek

I felt him pick me up and the cold tiles against my back, I stared deeply into his eyes, feeling his body pressed tightly against mine and I felt his thick hard cock buried dep into the very depths of my pussy, as I clenched around him. Wrapping my legs tightly around his waist burying my face in his neck. I was in ecstacy he hasn't made love to me like this in years, this wasn't about anger, or resentment, it was out of love. I loved it when he took his time as he continued thrusting deep inside of me. I screamed out slightly as each thrust got deeper, digging my nails into his back holding onto him tightly. I felt his mouth on my neck kissing the spot on my neck that he knew so well. I felt the tears building up as the tears started falling, remembering how it once was.

I felt him stop thrusting his cock into me looking deeply into my eyes, feeling his hand wipe away the tears that had been cried as his mouth covered mine. Feeling his tongue swirling with mine I tightened my grip feeling his tighten around me as he continued thrusting deeper into me as I heard him call my name "oh Addie" Hearing him call my name out like that, with so much love, oh god how I've missed this I found myself beginning to tremble calling out his name "Derek" as I felt my orgasm reach it's peak. It wasn't long before I felt him explode his hot thick cum into me holding onto him tighter as our lips met once more. I don't know if this love making was a final goodbye or what it was, but he hasn't made love to me like that in over a year. He continued holding onto me tightly as I heard him start to cry.

All I knew was that this was the best sex we've had in over a year. Our bodies fitting perfectly together, my arms wrapped tightly around his neck and legs wrapped tightly around his waist. I remembered how we stayed there like that until the water became cold against our bodies. As we stepped out of the shower looking at one another.

Addison: I love you Derek always and forever

Derek: I love you Addie

_My thoughts of the night we made our baby came flooding back to me, were broken as I heard Nancy calling me._

Nancy: Addie…..Addie….Addison

Addison: Sorry I….I just miss him so much

Nancy: Oh I know

We stayed in her office until I collected myself until I was feeling strong enough to leave.

Nancy: Addie call him

_I looked back at her and nodded before leaving her office sighing not knowing what to do next._


	14. I'm Moving On

_Six weeks later I was leaning on the railing of the ferry boat heading toward Seattle Grace. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and saw it was Nancy I sighed before answering it._

Derek: Nanc

Nancy: Derek you need to come home

Derek: Nanc I am home

Nancy: No Derek your not, your not home your off somewhere living a new wannabe life while your wife is here falling apart and needing you. Derek your still married and you should be here with your wife

Derek: Nanc my marriage is over

Nancy: If it's over then why haven't you sent divorce papers to her? Huh Derek? Can you really throw away the last 13 years of your life?

Derek: Nanc what do you want me to say she slept with Mark

Nancy: Yes she did and she made a mistake a HUGE mistake a mistake that she wakes up with every morning regretting. But Derek she's not the only one who has made mistakes you have done a good job of making mistakes as well.

Derek: I'm not talking about this right now Nance

Nancy: Why Derek? Because you don't want to admit that you were part of the reason for your marriage falling apart? That you were partly to blame for your wife falling a part?

Derek: What the hell are you talking about Nancy?

Nancy: I'm talking about Micheal, Derek, after Micheal died you forgot about your wife, your world fell apart but guess what Derek so did hers. And while you were at work saving your patients life trying to make up for not being able to save your son, you forgot about your wife Derek. You left your wife to heal alone you left her to die inside while she grieved the loss of your son and the loss of her husband. She had no one Derek but Mark and me and I'm not saying that gives her a reason to sleep with Mark, but come one Derek where the hell were you?

**I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself  
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on**

_My eyes filled with tears as I remembered the day our son Micheal passed away, I held Addie in my arms as we cried together holding onto one another tightly. Our hearts aching like they never had before._

Derek: Nanc I have to go

**I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it  
They'll never allow me to change  
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
I'm movin' on**

Nancy: Derek you can't run forever when are you going to stop? When are you going to stop and realize that you belong here with Addie.

_I hung up the phone and looked at the city ahead of me, I felt the tears stream down my face as I thought of Micheal. I remember how scared Addie looked when her water broke, she knew the fate of what would happen to their baby if she had the baby when she did. She held onto me tightly crying repeating over and over how sorry she was. I remember when our son was born and how beautiful he was, he had my dark hair what little hair he did have, and Addie's eyes. He was the most precious gift in our lives and the day he died apart of us died with him. I realized how much I pushed Addie away after all of that, and how I buried myself with my work hoping that I wouldn't think about the son that we buried. Forgetting about my wife, forgetting how she needed me to be there with her and grieve with her. I sighed as the tears were streaming down my face as the wind blew threw my hair. My thoughts were interrupted by a little boy running into me._

_I looked down and saw a boy about the age of 2 exactly how old Micheal would have been if her were alive today. I thought of how we would be if Micheal hadn't passed away and how happy we would have been._

**I'm movin' on  
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone  
There comes a time in everyone's life  
When all you can see are the years passing by  
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone**

Woman: Micheal

My heart dropped hearing her call after her son his name was Micheal, I looked up at the woman wiping my tears: He's over here

Woman: oh thank you, he just runs so quickly. Micheal honey you can't run away from mommy

Micheal: I'm sorry momma

Woman: Thank you so much

Derek smiled slightly: no problem

Woman: Do you have kids?

I looked at her my heart was breaking: I did

Woman: I'm so sorry I didn't mean to

Derek: No it's okay I was just thinking about him, his name was Micheal and he would have been two years old this year, but he was born to early and we lost him.

Woman: I'm so sorry. How's your wife been?

Derek: She's been going through hell.

**I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't  
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town  
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't  
I had to lose everything to find out  
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road  
I'm movin' on**

I looked at her realizing how hard this has been for Addie and how I haven't been there for her, I sighed as the boat was getting to the doc.

Derek: Well I better go. Now Micheal you listen to your mommy okay

_Micheal nodded as Derek walked off sighing at the realization of how he hurt Addison. But it was too late now, he hurt her so much that she had turned to someone else. I thought about Meredith and how I can make a new start with her and let Addie move on so I don't hurt her anymore._

**I'm movin' on  
I'm movin' on  
**


	15. What Hurts The Most

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then  
and just let 'em out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again  
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me**

When I got to the hospital, my mind was wandering and I couldn't hold back the tears that were burning in my eyes. I went to Richards office, and found him sitting at his desk.

Richard: Derek

I looked at him, and shut the door sitting down on the chair across from him as the tears started pouring down my face. I cried for Micheal, I cried for myself, I cried for my marriage and I cried for Addie.

**What hurts the most  
was being so close  
And havin' so much to say   
And watchin' you walk away  
And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was trying to do**

Derek: I broke her

Richard: What?

Derek: I broke Addie, our son died and I spent the last two years wallowing in my own self pity I forgot about Addie.

I buried my face in my hands not knowing what to do, I couldn't stop crying. I cried for everything I lost, the regret of not being there for Addie when she needed me the most, the pain of losing the love of my life. My heart is breaking and I don't know how to fix it, I feel empty for the last 13 years my life has been with Addie, everything we did, everything we owned, everything we had was shared with her and now I'm left with nothing. I have tried to pretend like none of it mattered seeing her fucking my best friend, but I never felt more hurt then I do at this moment right now sitting here in front of Richard. I felt Richard walk over placing a hand on my shoulder.

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you every where I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder  
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret, but I know  
If I could do it over  
I would trade, give away, show the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken**

Richard: Derek go home

Derek: I can't I can't go home. I mean there's nothing left I never thought that this would hurt so much when I left I was angry and now I wake up every morning without her beside me, and I go to bed every night without her there. I just never thought it would be this hard there's nothing left to go home to Richard she ran into the arms of another man she found comfort somewhere else.

Richard: Do you honestly believe that?

I was mixed with emotions, maybe she wasn't lying and it was only a one time thing, maybe she didn't want him but what if it wasn't. What if she had been with Mark more then that one time? What if she was as miserable as I am? What if she does regret what happened every morning like Nancy said, but even if she isn't with him, she was and I can't get the thought of my best friend fucking my wife in my bed.

**What hurts the most  
Wa****s being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away  
And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**

Uhh hey yeaaaaaaaaah!

Derek: Even if she isn't with him, I can't stop seeing the image of my best friend in bed with my wife. How can we move past that?

Richard: Do you love her?

Derek: What?

Richard: Do you love her?

Derek: More then anything,

Richard: Then that's all you need

Derek: I wish it was that easy

**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away  
And never knowin'  
What could've been   
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**

I looked at him wiping my tears away and walked out of his office and through the halls of the hospital. My mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Addison and what Richard said is love enough? Is that all we need to get passed all the hurt and pain we have caused one another? Could we ever get passed the last two years? I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and walked right into Meredith.

Meredith: Derek hey I was looking for you

Derek: Were you?

Meredith: Hey is everything okay?

Derek: yeah how about dinner tonight?

Meredith smiled: I'd love dinner

I walked away kissing her on the cheek before walking down the hall. I swallowed hard knowing I had to tell her about Addie. I was going to do that tonight I had to she deserved that much out of me, she deserved to know the truth.

**Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do**

ohh ohh!**  
**


	16. Stay With Me

**Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere  
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There  
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark  
With Your Picture, In My Hands  
Story Of a Broken Heart**

I sat on the plane holding divorce papers in my hands, as I looked down at them I knew that this was going to be it. The thought of divorcing Derek, the thought of losing him forever was tearing me up inside. I ran my hand along my stomach our baby was inside of me, the baby we made out of love our baby. I didn't know how to tell him, but I wanted to give him the divorce papers first, I don't want him to feel obligated to stay with me because of the baby. I looked out the window seeing the clouds pass me by thinking of Derek, our marriage, our baby as a tear escaped from my eye. The thought of Derek and I not being together anymore was unbearable, we built a life together, building it around us and now I don't know what we are now. He's just Derek and I'm just Addison.

**Stay With Me  
Don't Let Me Go  
Cause I Can't Be Without You  
Just Stay With Me  
And Hold Me Close  
Because I've Built My World Around You  
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You  
So Stay with Me  
Just Stay With Me**

I wondered how we could of ever ended up here, how two people that built their lives around the other person, two people who loved each other more then life itself could end up here. I continued staring out the window as these thoughts went round and round in my head. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without him, but I may not have a choice, I don't want to know what it's like to never be with him again, never kiss him, hold him, make love to him. I laid my head back shaking the thoughts from my head I don't know what else I can do but give him these papers and hopes he wants to fight beside me.

**I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day  
When my touch is enough  
To Take The Pain Away  
Cause I've Searched For So Long  
The Answer Is Clear  
We'll be OK if We Don't Let It Disappear**

I stood in front of Seattle Grace looking up at the hospital before me not moving as I watched doctors, nurses, patients and families walking in and out of the front doors. My heart ached feeling Derek so close I held the large orange envelope in my hands, a tear escaped my eye as I realized this was it. I had to let him go it's been two months and he hasn't returned any of my calls, he doesn't want to come home I have to let him go. I hurt him more then I ever wanted to, we've both hurt each other more then two people should ever hurt one another.

**Stay With Me  
Don't let Me go  
Cause I Can't Be Without You  
Just Stay With Me  
And Hold Me Close  
Because I've Built My World Around You  
And I Don't Wanna Know What's it Like Without You  
So Stay with Me  
Just Stay With Me**

As I stood there I remembered being here before when Derek and I came here for a consult for Richard. I remember standing in this exact same spot with Derek beside me.

_Flashback:_

_Derek: Are you ready to go in?_

Addison: Derek

_Derek: What?_

Addison: What if?

Derek: Addie you're the best in the field Richard wouldn't have called us out here if you weren't the best.

Addison: Derek you're the best in your field but I've this is I

_Derek cupped her face in his hands: Look at me_

_  
Addison looked deeply into his eyes and smiled as she listened to him speak._

Derek: Addie you can do this we both can it's a difficult case but were the best and you are the most talented neo natal surgeon there is. 

He took her hands in his and kissed them before pulling her close and kissing her deeply.

**I've searched my heart over  
So many many times  
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night  
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune  
Remind Me Of The Days  
You Promised Me We'd Always  
And Never Go Away  
That's Why I Need You To Stay**

I found myself running my hands over my lips as if I could feel his lips on mine just like that very day. Derek was right about one thing that day I was able to do it, but not without him there. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without him.

I felt someone bump into me.

Meredith: Oh sorry I wasn't paying attention

Addison smiled: that's okay I shouldn't be standing in the middle of a walk way

Meredith: Well have a good day, you should come in soon it's going to rain

**Stay With Me  
Don't let Me go  
Cause I Can't Be Without You  
Just Stay With Me  
And Hold Me Close  
Because I've Built My World Around You  
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You  
So Stay with Me  
Just Stay With Me**

Addison smiled as she watched the petite honey blonde haired woman run into the hospital. I looked back up at the hospital taking a deep breath before I started walking toward the doors. My feet felt like they weighed a ton as I slowly made my way to the door, moving at the speed of a snail. My body was shaking in fear that today might be the end of my marriage, today might be the day that I lose my husband forever.

**oooo.. oh oh  
don't leave  
so I stay waiting in the dark...**


	17. What About Now

_Okay so I apologize I screwed up and forgot the second part to this update so I have now added it. I also screwed up on one more later on in Chapter 21 Lost In Love I forgot to post the chapter before so I just added it to Chapter 21. Sorry again for the screw up but I was reading through and realized my mistake I guess that's what I get for having 74 pages of a word document. Well hope you enjoy the changes and the fic :)_

**Shadows fill an empty heart  
As love is fading,  
From all the things that we are  
But are not saying.  
Can we see beyond the scars  
And make it to the dawn?**

I was waiting for the elevator so I could head upstairs to check on a patient. Meredith had just run by me and told me how she was looking forward to our dinner tonight. My stomach was in knots knowing that after what I told her tonight about Addison she would probably hate me forever, but I don't want to hurt her like I did Addie. I sighed as I leaned against the wall waiting for the doors to open, I didn't know what to do anymore I missed my wife, but I have to let her go.

_I was in the elevator my heart was racing a mile a minute I thought it would jump out of my chest. Worried about what Derek would say or do when he saw me. I leaned against the wall as I clutched the divorce papers in my hand. The elevator ride seemed to last an eternity stopping at ever floor to let other people off finally I got to the floor I needed as the doors opened and people started filing out, I followed behind and as I stepped foot out of the elevator my heart stopped, standing right in front of me was Derek._

**Change the colors of the sky.  
And open up to  
The ways you made me feel alive,  
The ways I loved you.  
For all the things that never died,  
To make it through the night,  
Love will find you.**

The elevator doors opened and people were filing out as the crowd emptied out I went to step on when standing right in front of me was Addie.

Derek: Addie

Addison: Derek

I looked at her and saw how tired she looked, she had dark circles under her eyes, she looked awfully pale. When I looked in her eyes I saw sadness a deep sadness. I couldn't believe she was standing right in front of me. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her how much I missed her, but I also wanted to ask her what the hell she was doing here.

Addison: I I can we talk?

Derek smiled weakly at her: Yeah let's go in here

I took her hand out of instinct and felt her pull away as we walked down the hall to the on call room.

_I felt him take my hand and pulled away, feeling his hand in mine sent shocks through my body. We made it to an on call room and walked in as he shut the door behind us locking it. I sat down on one of the beds, an awkward silence filled the air. I wasn't expecting him to be so willing to talk, I was expecting a fight, yelling, and walking away nothing prepared me for him to be willing and open to talk. He sat on the bed across from me looking up at me. He looked tired, and as I stared into his eyes I saw pain and sadness, pain and sadness that I caused him. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I tried to fight them back, but my body was betraying me, as I let a few tears fall. _

**What about now?  
What about today?  
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?  
What if our love never went away?  
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?  
Baby, before it's too late,  
What about now?**

After shutting the door behind me and locking it I took a deep breath fighting back the emotions that were running through me. I sat down on the bed across from her looking at her as I watched her fighting with herself to stay strong and not cry. That's my Addie for you always wanting to be strong. As I saw a few tears fall down her cheeks I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be alright, that we could make it through this. Wait could we make it through this?

Derek: Addie

Addison: Here

_Hearing him say my name with such love nearly made me completely fall apart. I handed him the divorce papers, it killed me handing them over to him, but I didn't think I had any other choice. I knew I had to tell him about the baby, but I wanted him to make a decision about our marriage on his own and not because I was having his baby. I knew if he knew about the baby right now that he would feel obligated to stay and I wanted him to stay because of me, because of us and because he still loved me. _

**The sun is breaking in your eyes  
To start a new day.  
This broken heart can still survive  
With a touch of your grace.  
Shadows fade into the light.  
I am by your side,  
Where love will find you.**

Derek: What are these?

Addison: I'm giving you an out.

Derek: An out? A divorce you want a divorce?

_I looked at him and saw him get angry, he's angry about a divorce what does this mean?_

Addison: No I don't want a divorce, but I'm giving you an out?

She thinks I want an out? She thinks I want a divorce? Do I? NO

Derek: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT AN OUT?

Addison: OH SURE LETS YELL DEREK BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW WELL THIS ALWAYS ENDS  
_  
Wait did he just say he doesn't want an out?_

Derek: DAMMIT ADDIE

Addison: WHAT?

Derek: We have to stop this We have to stop yelling

Addison: Derek what do you want? Tell me because I assumed that since it's been 2 months since you left that you didn't want me anymore. So what am I supposed to think that you want to live here and have your life and have me wait for you in New York. Tell me Derek what the hell do you want?

Derek: I don't know

I looked at her seeing her frustration, seeing her pain she was right what did I want? I can't live here and her in New York waiting for me. I sat back down on the bed looking at the divorce papers that were now on the floor.

Derek: Tell me what you want?

Addison: I want us Derek I want us to be us again. I want you to love me the way you did when we got married, I want you to love me the way you did before Micheal. I want Derek and Addison I want my husband back and not just having you there physically I want you back emotionally. I want you to make love to me every night like you used to no matter how tired we both were. I want to feel your arms around me again and feel your lips on mine. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up in your arms every morning. I want my husband back I want my marriage back. I want you to fight Derek fight for me, fight for us.

**What about now?  
What about today?  
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?  
What if our love, it never went away?  
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?  
Baby, before it's too late,  
What about now?**

_I swallowed hard as the tears were rolling down my face as I looked at my husband. I felt my body begin to shake from the emotions that were running through me. I wanted so much for us to be us again and for us to get passed this._

I looked at her I hadn't expected her to say all those things, I didn't know what to say. I looked across at her seeing and feeling her pain. I reached my hand out taking hers in mine as I looked at her not knowing what to do or say next.

_He wasn't saying anything, I knew that he couldn't give me that he couldn't fight for me or for us and I can't blame him. I slept with his best friend and hurt him more then ever imaginable. I pulled my hand back and stood up._

Addison: Just sign the papers Derek

_I sighed as I started for the door when I felt him pull me back, I pulled my arm back pushing him away._

Addison: JUST STOP DEREK STOP

Derek: You can't just walk away

Addison: why Derek? Huh why? You do it why can't I? I asked you to stay I asked you not to leave and you did.

_I felt him step forward trying to take me into his arms as I tried to fight him, my arms were wailing into his chest as I continually punched him not hard, but enough to get him to stop but he wouldn't stop. I was screaming over and over._

Derek: STOP ADDIE JUST STOP

Addison: NO LET ME GO JUST LET ME GO (the tears pouring down my face as he held onto me)

Derek: NO

**Now that we're here,  
Now that we've come this far,  
Just hold on.  
There is nothing to fear,  
For I am right beside you.  
For all my life,  
I am yours.**

_With that his lips were on mine kissing me deeply pushing me against the door, feeling his lips on mine and his arms around my back and his body pushed tightly against mine made me go weak in the knees. I couldn't remember what we were fighting about but found myself getting lost in his embrace. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck holding onto him tightly as a soft moan escaped from my mouth. I missed him so much god I missed him._

I kissed her deeply pushing her against the wall god I missed her. I felt her getting weak in the knees as she wrapped her arms around my neck as she used to when she felt herself getting weak like that. I heard her moan in my mouth and that only made me want her more. We were frantically undressing each other clothes flying everywhere we were full of need and desire for each other we couldn't get each other undressed fast enough. Once I got her undressed I looked deeply into her eyes, seeing the Addie that I fell in love with 13 years ago, the Addie that loved me more then life itself. I found myself getting lost in her eyes as I picked her up and lied her down on the bed my lips finding hers once again tasting her sweetness.

_Clothes were flying everywhere we couldn't get each other undressed fast enough. Once we discarded all of our clothing he stopped and looked deeply into my eyes, and for the first time in 2 years I saw Derek, the Derek I fell in love with 13 years ago, the Derek that loved me more then life itself. I found myself getting lost in his eyes, his sparkling blue eyes as I felt him pick me up and lay me down on the bed, feeling him on top of me kissing me deeply once again. I felt his one hand caressing my cheek as he continued to kiss me, feeling on of his hands running down my side stopping at my breast as he massaged it lightly before pinching the nipple with his index finger and thumb causing me to arch my back against his body. Finally he broke the kiss and trailed kisses to my neck. "OH GOD he remembered the spot" I felt him nibble and suck lightly on my neck driving me insane as he continued his trail of kisses to my breasts. As he swirled his tongue around my nipples one at a time teasing me, sending me into ecstacy. It was getting harder to breath as he continued his way down spreading my legs as I gasped waiting for what was coming next. I felt his tongue glide it's way up my wet slit teasing me slightly as his tongue continued their circular motions before plunging deep into my pussy. "OH GOD DEREK" I felt his tongue inside me plunging in and out as I screamed out thrashing my head from side to side, clutching the blankets on the bed as he continued working his magic on me, sending me farther and farther into ecstacy the way only he knew how to. Finally I felt myself exploding I couldn't take it anymore I felt myself cumming all around his tongue feeling him lick and suck it up. I ran my hands through his hair tugging slightly bringing him back up to me crashing our lips together once again, I could taste a mix of my cum and his sweet mouth on my tongue, feeling his erect cock against me running it up along my slit. I didn't want that yet, I wanted to pleasure him the way he did me. _

**What about now?  
What about today?  
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?  
What if our love never went away?  
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?**

I felt her roll me over as she continued to kiss me full of love and passion before she pushed herself up running her hands down along her neck to her breasts and down her stomach everytime she did that it drove me wild I took her breasts in my hands massaging them as she arched her back grinding her hips into me. She leaned down kissing me again running her hands along my chest as she trailed kisses down to my neck, down my chest stopping at my cock. I could feel her hot breath on my cock, she teased me the way I liked to be teased the way only she knew how to. She took her tongue and swirled it around the tip of my cock licking the precum before taking me in slowly inch by inch until she had me completely in her mouth. Her hands were massaging my balls as she sucked and applied pressure and releasing and repeating this action over and over. She maneuvered me the way she always had, she knew how I like it, she knew exactly how to send me over the edge. I felt myself falling over the edge as my fingers were intertwined in her air "OH GOD ADDIE BABY OH GOD" I felt myself explode my cum into her mouth as she swallowed it up and licked me clean. I pulled her back up to me kissing her deeply as she wrapped her hands around my still semi erect cock bringing it back to it's fully erect state. I felt her sink herself down onto my cock, feeling her moist wet walls engulfing my cock, feeling her tightness pulsate around it as she continued her slow rocking movements.

**What about now?  
What about today?  
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?  
What if our love never went away?  
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?**

_I felt him inside of me and my emotions took over I moaned loudly feeling his hard thick cock inside of me, stretching me and filling me completely. I felt him roll me over and re enter my as he looked deeply in my eyes running his hand a long my cheek as he leaned down and kissed me deeply "I love you Addie" "I love you Derek" With that being said he continued to thrust deeply into me slowly, taking his time as our eyes remained locked. For this moment and this moment alone nothing else existed, no fights, no Mark, just Derek and Me. I moaned as I felt his thrust becoming harder and felt my body begin to tremble beneath him, as I dug my nails into his back feeling complete in this moment, for the first time in years. I felt him explode his hot cum into the very depths of my pussy as I at the same time let myself go. He collapsed on top of me burying his face in my neck. We laid there in each others arms breathing heavy. I laid there thinking what now? _

**Baby, before it's too late,  
Baby, before it's too late,  
Baby, before it's too late,  
What about now?**

(Song: What about Now- Chris Daughtry)

Scene 18

_We laid there for what seemed like hours wrapped up in each others arms I felt so complete and safe with his arms wrapped around me. We both laid there in silence not knowing what to do or say next, afraid to open my mouth and say the wrong thing. I moved slightly and felt his grip on me tighten, I turned and looked up at him staring into his eyes, seeing love the love that I used to see when I looked into them. _

I laid there with her in my arms, I hadn't felt that complete in a long time. We laid there in silence not knowing what to do or say next, afraid to open my mouth and say the wrong thing. I felt her move slightly and felt his grop on me tighten. She turned and looked up at me and I stared deeply into his eyes, seeing the love I have always seen when I looked into them, the love that she's always had for me. I went to say something when my pager went off, I picked it up and looked at it and sighed.

Derek: it's a 911 I have to go

I got up as I started to get dressed and looked at her seeing her getting dressed herself. Once I was dressed I pulled her into my arms and parted her lips with my tongue kissing her deeply, as my pager went off again.

Addison: You better go it's important

I looked at her holding her tighter kissing her again: Nothing's more important then this moment. I love you Addie

Addison: I love you to

Derek: Where are you staying?

Addison: The Fairmount room 3115

Derek: I will come there tonight and we'll talk

I kissed her once more as my pager went off once again.

Addison: Okay go

_I watched him walk out of the on call room looking back at me smiling. I sat down on the bed picking up the divorce papers off the floor. I smiled for the first time in two years he put me before work. I smiled seeing that there was still hope for us, I decided that tonight I was going to tell Derek about the baby, our baby that I'm carrying. I smiled as I got up and decided to find Richard. _

As I stood in front of Richards office and knocked hearing his voice: Come in

Richard: Addison

Addison: Richard

I felt his arms wrap around me as he hugged me tight: It's been too long

Addison: It has

I sat down on the couch beside me: How have you been Addie?

Addison: Not good, but I think things are going to get better

Richard: He loves you

I smiled looking at him: I know

Richard: Have you seen him?

I laughed and nodded my head: Oh yes I've seen him. Were going to meet later tonight and talk

Richard: Good

Addison: I gave him divorce papers and he threw them on the floor

Richard: He doesn't want a divorce Addie

Addison: Well I see that now

We sat and talked for awhile longer before I realized what time it was: I better go it's getting late

Richard: It was nice seeing you Addie

Addison: Like wise Richard

Richard: Tell him about the baby tonight Addie

Addison: I will

_I walked out of the office and headed for the elevator, there seemed to be quite the line up for the elevator so I decided to take the stairs. When I got to the stairs I looked up and saw Derek with that honey blonde haired woman that bumped into me outside. I saw him helping her put her coat on as the tears welled up in my eyes._


	18. I Can't Live With or Without You

**See the stone set in your eyes  
See the thorn twist in your side  
I wait for you**

I finished my shift and couldn't wait to get to Addison's hotel and talk. But I had to talk to Meredith first, I needed to tell her about Addie and that I need to work things out with her. I love Addie she's my wife, my soul mate, the love of my life.

As I walked through the halls of the hospital I knew that tonight I was going to hurt a woman I cared deeply about a woman that had done nothing wrong, a woman who was amazing in many ways. But she was just not Addie and no matter what I did she would never be Addie. I swallowed hard when I saw her standing there as I walked over to her.

Meredith: Hey you

Derek: Hey

She leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips and I pulled back quickly and looked at her. She looked up at me with love in her eyes and it broke my heart knowing that I was going to hurt her. I helped her with her coat as she looked at me smiling.

Meredith: Where are we going?

Derek: We are going to get some dinner and then we need to talk.

Meredith: I think we should have dinner and then go back to my place and do less talking.

**Sleight of hand and twist of fate  
On a bed of nails she makes me wait  
And I wait without you**

I looked at her and felt someone watching us, I turned around and saw Addie standing at the top of the stairs with tears in her eyes.

Derek: Addie

Meredith: Addie who's Addie

I let go of Meredith as Addie turned and started running down the stairs I ran after her calling out to her. 

**With or without you  
With or without you**

**Through the storm we reach the shore  
You give it all but I want more  
And Im waiting for you**

Derek: Addie STOP ADDISON PLEASE STOP

She kept running and tripped on the last couple of stairs, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest as I ran toward her frantic that she was hurt: Oh god Addie

I got to her as she was lying on the floor crying, I wrapped my arms around her: Addie

**With or without you  
With or without you  
I cant live  
With or without you**

_I stared at him as my eyes filled with tears my heart breaking, he had moved on with this other woman, he had kissed her. But what about today? What happened today? I felt my heart ripping in two when he turned and looked at me. _

**And you give yourself away  
And you give yourself away  
And you give  
And you give  
And you give yourself away**

_I turned and ran down the stairs wanting to get away from him, wanting to get away from here it was a mistake I knew that I should have never come here and now I'm paying for it. I hear him behind me screaming after me but I ignore him as I continue running down the stairs. I almost made it to the bottom when my foot missed a stair and I went falling down. "oh god my baby" were the first thoughts that rushed into my head, it wasn't a far fall but it was still a fall. I felt his arms wrap around me as I began punching him and pushing him away._

**My hands are tied  
My body bruised, shes got me with  
Nothing to win and  
Nothing left to lose**

Addison: LEAVE ME ALONE DEREK, JUST STOP LET GO OF ME

Derek: NO please Addie baby please

Addison: LET ME GO

Derek: No I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO

**And you give yourself away  
And you give yourself away  
And you give  
And you give  
And you give yourself away**

_The tears were pouring down my face like a leaky faucet and I couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried. His grip around me tightened as I continued to fight him. _

Oh god what have I done I feel her fists pounding into my chest trying to push me away. I keep holding her closer, trying to calm her down. As the tears begin to pour from my eyes wanting to stop the pain that I have caused her.

**With or without you  
With or without you  
I cant live  
With or without you**

Addison: LET GO

Derek: ADDIE I CAN'T PLEASE

_I feel his grip tighten and feel his tears fall against my cheeks mixing our tears together. I start to feel a slight cramp as I cry harder holding onto my stomach._

**With or without you  
With or without you  
I cant live  
With or without you  
With or without you**


	19. Pain and Suffering

**There's no time to give at all  
I cause you grief and blow my hatred  
Further in your mind  
You reach, I run, you fall  
On skinned knees you crawl**

I held onto her until she stopped fighting me and cried out in pain, her shriek echoed in my ears something was wrong, really wrong. My heart began to race a mile a minute, I swear I thought it was going to jump out of my chest, as I looked at Addie clutching her stomach.

Derek: Addie

Addison: I need a doctor**  
**

I picked her up cradling her in my arms, she didn't fight me but continued to cry out in pain. I ran up the stairs past Meredith who looked at me with such confusion. As I ran down the hall I saw Richard.

Richard: Derek what's wrong?

Derek: She fell down a couple of stairs and she's she's

Richard looked over at a Bailey: Page OB NOW

**I want to set you free, recognize my disease  
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering  
You're there crying, I feel not a thing  
Drilling my way deeper in your head**

Hearing those words OB made me stop dead in my tracks as I looked at my wife crying in my arms, What OB? Why OB? Oh my god she's pregnant. Next thing I heard was Richard yelling at me.

Richard: DEREK DEREK

I looked up at him and followed him into the exam room placing Addie down looking at her crying, she clutched my hand. I took my free hand and ran it along her cheek looking at her seeing the fear in her eyes.

Richard: Derek you shouldn't be in here we need to make sure your baby is alright

I felt Derek place me on the bed, my breathing becoming irregular, I felt my heart racing and started to feel dizzy this can't be happening. I can't lose our baby, oh god I'm losing the baby. They need to call Nancy oh god she's so far away. The tears were pouring down my face, I could see and hear people frantically running around the room, as my eyes started to become heavy it was too much. I tried to speak but nothing came out, I finally managed to call out Nance before my eyes closed and everything went black.

**Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead  
So you sit and think of love  
I wait, hate all the more, I fall  
On skinned knees I crawl**

Addison: Nance

Derek: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

OB: I just gave her a shot to make her fall asleep, I need her to calm down and relieve stress on the baby. I want to make sure the baby is okay.

My head was spinning, she's pregnant I didn't know how could she be pregnant? As I stood there looking down at my wife and seeing the doctors working on her, the tears began to pour down my face. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Richard: Derek we need to get you out of here. Let them do their job.

OB: Dr.Shepherd? Who's Nance?

Derek: My sister she's a, she's Addie's OB in New York

OB: I think it might be a good idea to give her a call

**I want to set you free, recognize my disease  
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering  
You're there crying, I feel not a thing  
Drilling my way deeper in your head**

I walked out of the room, tears pouring down my face, Richard behind me. I couldn't make sense of anything. Wait how? this isn't my baby is it? It can't be it….. The realization that it was Mark's. I felt the anger build up inside me. That bastard got my wife pregnant that's why she wanted the divorce.

Richard: Derek

Derek: That's not my baby

Nancy: It sure in the hell is

**Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead  
Now there's time to give it all  
I put my fears behind again**

I heard my sisters voice and looked up shocked seeing her standing there in front of me. I felt her arms wrap around me.

Derek: What are you?

Nancy: She never called me when she got into Seattle so I was worried. What's going on?

Richard: She had a fall

Nancy: Where is she?

**I want to set you free, recognize my disease  
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering  
You're there crying, I feel not a thing  
Drilling my way deeper in your head  
**  
I watched as Nancy and Richard ran toward Addie's room. Nancy's words replaying over and over in my head. The baby's mine? Oh god I leaned against the wall falling to the floor cradling my face in my hands. As I cried I couldn't believe this was all happening. Praying that her and the baby were alright.

**Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead  
Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering**


	20. What I've Done

**In this farewell  
There's no blood  
There's no alibi  
'Cause I've drawn regret  
From the truth  
Of a thousand lies**

As I sat there leaned against the wall, I felt the cold beneath me as I cried into my hands. I can't believe that we ended up here, after everything we've been through together and now she's lying in a bed possibly losing yet another child. It's all my fault again, I wasn't there and when she came back she saw me with Meredith and now look what I've done. My thoughts were interrupted when I felt a hand on my shoulder and a familiar voice.

**So let mercy come  
And wash away  
What I've done**

Meredith: Derek

I looked over and saw Meredith sitting beside me, knowing I had some explaining to do. She looked at me with such confusion and worry.

Meredith: Who's Addie Derek?

Hearing her name I began to cry harder as I looked at her: She's my wife

I looked at her and saw the confused look turn into shock: Your wife?

**I've faced myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself   
And let go of what I've done**

Derek: Meredith I'm sorry, I came here after I caught my wife in bed with my best friend, our marriage was over, or so I thought. But but

I buried my face in my hands realizing that our marriage was probably over now, I hurt Addie worse then she had hurt me. If she loses our baby she would never forgive me. I may have lost her forever.

**Put to rest  
What you thought of me  
Well I cleaned this slate  
With the hands  
Of uncertainty**

Meredith: But it's not over is it?

I looked at her seeing a few tears escape her eyes and roll down her cheeks, as I shook my head no.

Derek: No I mean I hope not, but now I don't know. If she loses the baby another baby she will never forgive me and it's all my fault.

Meredith: I'm sorry Derek.

**So let mercy come  
And wash away  
What I've done**

I looked over at her and saw sincerity in her face, and wondered how she could be so calm about this and not yell and scream at me. I lead her on and made her think that there was a future for us, when I knew that there never would be. I felt her get up and look down at me.

Meredith: I hope your wife and baby are okay.

With that I heard the click clack of her shoes walking down the hallway as I sat there watching her walk away. I bury my face back in my hands as I think upon all the pain and things that I have done. I have managed to hurt two women that I care deeply about. But I hurt the one woman I never wanted to hurt and I hurt her more then anyone should have ever been hurt.

**I've faced myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself   
And let go of what I've done**

Richard: Derek

I look up and see Richard standing there: Is she?

Richard: I don't know yet. I just wanted to check on you

Derek: I've hurt her so much and I keep hurting her

Richard: Derek stop

Derek: What?

Richard: Yes you've hurt her, she's hurt you, but you can't keep living like this regretting and beating yourself up over it. What you have to do now is decide what your going to do? Grow up Derek and be a man, fix what you've broken, if she means as much as I think she does to you then, stop this self pitty and fix what's broken, because obviously there's something let to fix otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here crying. Forgive yourself already Derek, because if you don't there won't be a future for you and Addie.

**For what I've done  
I'll start again  
And whatever pain may come   
Today this ends  
I'm forgiving what I've done**

I looked at him his words were harsh, but he was right, I have to stop this, I have to fix my marriage, I have to because I'm nothing without Addie, were Derek and Addison, and we have to stay that way.

**I've faced myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself   
And let go of what I've done **

Derek: Thanks

We sat there waiting to hear word about Addie and the baby, when I looked up and saw Nancy and the OB doctor that was in with Addie. I stood up and looked at Nancy waiting to hear the news.

**What I've done  
Forgiving what I've done**


	21. Lost In Love

_Okay so I made some errors and corrected them here I missed the update before the original one so I have added it onto here. I apologize I was going through re reading it and missed out 2 updates one here and one I think in Chapter 17 I wrote a note in that one as well . Sorry about that, I guess it happens when you are at 75 pages in a word document. _

_Christina_

**That's how much I love you  
That's how much I need you  
And I can't stand ya  
Must everything you do make me wanna smile  
Can I not like it for awhile  
No.. but you won't let me  
You upset me girl, then you kiss my lips  
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset  
Can't remember what you did**

My heart was racing as I looked up and saw Nancy standing there in front of me, she looked upset but she was calm.

Derek: Nance

Nancy: Yes Derek she's fine, and so is the baby

I felt a rush of relief was over me as I ran my hands through my hair, feeling Richard's hand on my back.

Derek: They're fine I have to see her

Nancy: Derek no

Derek: What?

Nancy: Derek she doesn't want to see you right now

**But I hate it  
You know exactly what to do  
So that I can't stay mad at you  
For too long, that's wrong  
But, I hate it  
You know exactly how to touch  
So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more  
So I despise that I adore you**

My heart broke hearing that my own wife didn't want me. I felt the tears burning in my eyes as Nancy's words played over and over and over in my head "She doesn't want to see you right now"

Derek: I…Nance I have to see her

I looked at my sister pleading with my eyes for her to convince Addie to see me.

Nancy: Derek

Derek: Nance please I need to see her, I need to see her and make sure they are okay with my own eyes. Please Nance I need her oh god what have I done. Please Nance

I looked at her and saw her nod slightly

Nancy: Stay here let me talk to her

I watched her turn away and walk into the room where Addie was, I walked closer to the door and leaned against the shut door placing one hand on the door.

**And I hate how much I love you boy  
I can't stand how much I need you  
And I hate how much I love you boy  
But I just can't let you go  
And I hate that I love you so..**

Derek: What if she doesn't want my anymore

Richard: Derek I highly doubt that one

Derek: But what if she doesn't?

Richard: Then she doesn't and you will be a man and give her what she wants because when it comes down to it all you have ever wanted was for her to be happy.

I looked at Richard: If she would have lost this baby she would have never forgiven me. Not after last time.

My eyes were filling with tears again as I waited for Nancy to come out when the door opened I held my breath as I looked at her. She nodded slightly.

Nancy: Derek don't stress her out

**And you completely know the power that you have  
The only one that makes me laugh  
Sad and it's not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I  
Love you beyond the reason why  
And it just ain't right**

I ran into that room without looking back. I stopped when I saw her in the bed hooked up to monitors hearing her soft sobs as I wiped the tears from my cheek and walked over to her placing my hand on hers staring deeply into her eyes.

Derek: Addie

**And I hate how much I love you girl  
I can't stand how much I need you  
And I hate how much I love you girl  
But I just can't let you go  
And I hate that I love you so**

_I heard him come into the room, and I couldn't help but start sobbing again, I almost lost my baby our baby. I laid there not knowing what to do or say as I felt him walk over and felt his hand on mine as I opened my eyes and looked into his eyes. Hearing his voice and I broke again crying harder feeling his arms wrap around me as I held onto him hating how much I needed him. Wanting to yell and scream at him but all I could do is cry and hold onto him getting lost in his arms forgetting everything that was going on at that moment in time._

**One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me  
And your kiss won't make me weak  
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me  
So you'll probably always have a spell on me**

**That's how much I love you  
That's how much I need you  
That's how much I love you  
That's how much I need you**

I saw her start to cry harder and wrapped my arms around her tightly pulling her close to me as she held onto me both of us crying as we held tightly onto one another. Not wanting to let go knowing that it could all be lost if we let go. I hated how much I needed her and I hated how much I hurt her. As I held her I remembered the day that Micheal passed away and how 2 years ago we were both holding onto one another grieving the loss of our son and now here we are grieving for the pain we've inflicted onto one another.

**And I hate that I love you so--  
And I hate how much I love you boy  
I can't stand how much I need you  
And I hate how much I love you boy  
But I just can't let you go  
And I hate that I love you so  
And I hate that I love you so.. so..**

A few hours later :

**I realize the best part of love is the thinnest lace  
And it don't count for much but I'm not letting go  
I believe there's still much to believe in **

So lift your eyes if you feel you can  
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan  
I figured it out  
What I needed was someone to show me 

_The next morning I woke up feeling his arms wrapped tightly around me, hearing his hear beat slow and steady, as a tear escaped rolling down my cheek as I listened to the soft thud of his heart. My heart ached so much for him and here he was, my soft sobs must have woke him as I felt him stir slightly and his hand caressing my back._

Derek: Addie

**You know you can't fool me  
I've been loving you too long  
It started so easy  
You want to carry on**

_I looked up at him and smiled weakly not knowing what to say or do, hardly able to breathe wondering why he still has this effect on me_. _I could see in his eyes he wanted to say something, but not sure if he should._

**Lost in love and I don't know much  
Was I thinking about  
Fell out of touch  
But I'm back on my feet  
Eager to be what you wanted**

**So lift your eyes if you feel you can  
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan  
I figured it out  
What I needed was someone to show me  
**

I laid there holding her tight in my arms and felt my heart skip a beat as I saw her look up at me and smile weakly. It was her fake smile I knew that smile, I saw a pain in her eyes that I've never seen in her before. I wanted to tell her that it was her that I wanted, that I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I wanted to tell her that I want her and this baby I want our family. I want us to go back to the way we were when we were first together.

Derek: I love you Addie

**  
You know you can't fool me  
I've been loving you too long  
It started so easy  
You want to carry on**

I love you seriously that's all that you could say idiot idiot idiot. That's not going to win her back I love you god.

_Hearing him say those three words I love you nearly killed me. My eyes filled with tears as they slowly fell down my face. _

Addison: I love you to

**Lost in love and I don't know much  
Was I thinking about  
Fell out of touch  
But I'm back on my feet  
Eager to be what you wanted **

So lift your eyes if you feel you can  
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan  
I figured it out  
What I needed was someone to show me 

_With that being said I buried my face into his chest clutching his shirt as we lay there for what seemed like eternity. Neither of us knowing what was going to happen next, and all I know is in this moment right now I feel nothing but the two of us, no Mark, no intern, no affairs or mess. Just the two of us and I felt more safe at that moment then I have in months. _

**You know you can't fool me  
I've been loving you too long  
It started so easy  
You want to carry on**

I looked up when I heard her softly say it back. I felt her bury her face into my chest while clutching onto my shirt I held onto her. Not knowing what was going to happen next, all I know is that I never want this moment to end. There was no Mark, no Meredith, no affairs or mess. Just the two of us and nothing else.

**Lost in love and I don't know much  
Was I thinking about  
Fell out of touch  
But I'm back on my feet  
Eager to be what you wanted  
**  
Derek: Addie

Addie: shhh not now please not now

**So lift your eyes if you feel you can  
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan  
I figured it out  
What I needed was someone to show me**

I laid there knowing now was not the time, it was time to just get lost in the moment.

**Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love  
Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love**


	22. Leaving is the Only Way Out

The next few days moved like a crawl Addison was getting stir crazy and all she wanted to do was go home. That morning I walked into the room and saw her sitting in her bed reading. She looked up and smiled slightly at me, looking at her I saw pain in her eyes, masked behind the fake smile she flashed at me. We hadn't talked about anything since the Meredith thing, and baby thing, nothing I know it's coming, I know were going to have to talk sooner or later.

Addison: Where's Nance?

Derek: I don't know do you want me to go find her?

Addison nodded: I want to get out of here

I smiled back at her knowing she wasn't one to take it easy let alone stay in bed for three days. I turned out of the room and found Nancy on her way over.

Nancy: Derek how is she?

Derek: She wants to get out of here Nance, tell me her and the baby are going to be fine, so she can leave.

Nancy: Yes Derek they are both going to be fine, but she can only leave if she has someone to stay with her for the next week. She needs to stay off of her feet for the next week.

Derek: I can do that I can. Go tell her.

Nancy leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and turned walking briskly to Addie's room. I knew what I needed to do and that was to find Richard.

**I'm not sayin' I have all the answers  
And I don't care who's right or wrong  
I'm tryin' to pick up the pieces already fallen  
And put them back where they belong**

_As I lay in bed watching him walk out of the room, I felt the tears flow down my face, wondering what was going to happen next, knowing we still hadn't talked about anything. Not about this other woman, not the baby, or what we were going to do. I buried my face into my hands sobbing quietly. He has a girlfriend he moved on, how did we end up here, how did we end up with a broken marriage, a baby on the way, and here in Seattle. This isn't our home, this isn't where we belong, this isn't even where we are supposed to be, were not Derek and Addison anymore. The thoughts were just washing over me and I couldn't stop the tears, I just want to get out of here and go home, I need to go home away from Seattle, away from Derek and his new whatever she is. I need to go home. My thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and I heard a familiar voice._

**So slow down your horses  
Stop draggin' me around  
And if cryin' is the only way into your heart  
Then leavin' is the only way out**

Nancy: Addie

Addison: Nance I want to go home, I need to get out of here, out of this hospital and away from Seattle.

**We've slammed every door in anger  
And we've opened wounds we can't mend  
And one night lonely is one night too many  
Don't wanna wake up to one more night that won't end**

_I felt her sit beside me wrapping her arms around me and I cried on her shoulder_

Nancy: Oh Addie I know this is hard, but you can't leave Seattle right now. You can't travel right now, I know you want to leave but if you leave and travel back home you will lose the baby it's too much of a risk.

_I knew she was right and this made it hurt more, knowing that I was going to have to stay here alone. _

**So slow down your horses  
Stop draggin' me around  
And if cryin' is the only way into your heart  
Then leavin' is the only way out**

Addison: How did this all happen, I just don't get it.

_The tears were pouring out of me and I couldn't stop, I just wanted everything to stop, the pain and sadness to go away. I just wanted things back to the way they were before, before Micheal, before Mark, before Seattle. I wanted it to go back to when I was happy, god I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy. I miss those days, I miss Derek my Derek. I miss our old life before work became our lives and before I spent my nights alone crying over my broken marriage. _

**When late nights and long lies came knockin'  
You just invited them in  
And our voices got too loud for talkin'  
Then my heart hit the floor  
But your feet just kept walkin'**

Nancy: Oh Addie I don't know I just don't know. But you can fix this, you both can.

Addison: I don't know Nance I just don't know. He's moved on and I just want to leave, I want to go home. I think it's time to let him go, I think it's time to let him move on and it's time for me to realize that he doesn't want me anymore.

Nancy: Oh Addie he hasn't moved on, oh god no he loves you.

Addison: Nance I just know that my Derek would have never looked at another woman or thought about being with another woman when he was with me and now here's this man a man I spent the last 11 years married to and I don't even know who he is anymore.

Nancy: Oh Addie you both have been through so much over the last two years, but I know one thing you both are still head over heels in love with eachother. You both care deeply about each other and that has not changed. You both may have changed but the fact of the matter is that he's still your soul mate and you're his and nothing can or will ever change that. And you Addison Shepard are a fighter you would never just give up. The Addison Shepard that I know would fight like hell to save her marriage and to keep her husband, she wouldn't just give him up to some intern that he met one night in the bar while mourning the loss of his marriage.

**And if cryin' is the only way you hear me hurtin'  
For the lovin' that I can't live without  
And if lovin' ain't the only way into your heart  
Then leavin' is the only way out**

_Hearing what she was saying I knew she was right I would never just walk away from Derek, never and I've been fighting for the last 2 years. But I'm just exhausted now, I don't know how much more I can fight, I feel that everything I have has been drained from me. _

**Oh, leavin' is the only way out**


	23. It's Not Over

**I was blown away  
What could I say  
It all seemed to make sense.  
Your takin away everything  
And I can't do without.**

After talking with Richard and getting two weeks off from work to be with Addie I headed back to her room, stopping before I went in as I saw Addie crying on Nancy's shoulder. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I know that those tears were because of me. This should be a happy time for her, for both of us, we should be celebrating her pregnancy and she should be happier then ever but I know that her pain is so deep and the hurt I've caused her is preventing that happiness. I have to make it up to her somehow over the next two weeks I need make this up to her I need to reconnect with her. I need to show her that she's my life, she completes me.

I wiped the tears from my eyes as I entered the room, taking a deep breathe as both woman turned and looked up at me.

Addie's eyes were red and puffy from crying and I immediately walked over to her taking Nancy's place wrapping my arms around her tightly.

**I try to see the good in life.  
The good things in life are hard to find.  
We're blowin away, blownin away  
Can we make this something good?**

_I wrapped my arms instinctively around him clutching onto him for dear life, fearing what will happen when we leave here. Holding onto him afraid if I let go he won't be here anymore. _

Derek: Thanks Nance I got it. Shhh Addie it's going to be alright. I'm here and not going anywhere.

I looked over at Nance who just nodded slightly: I'll get those discharge papers drawn up and you can get her out of here.

I nodded at her as she walked away shutting the door behind her. I felt Addie sink into me clutching onto me I held her closer squeezing her tighter as my heart ached wanting to take all the pain away from her.

Derek: Addie honey what's wrong

I feel her pull back as I cup her face in my hands wiping her tears away with my thumb, seeing the pain and sorrow in her once green and sparkly eyes, oh how I missed those sparkling green eyes.

**Well I'll try to do to it right this time around  
It's not over,  
Try to do it right this time around  
It's not over  
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over.**

_I look up at him knowing that as soon as I open my mouth the conversation that we've been avoiding was going to have to happen the sooner. I look deeply into his eyes and saw love and worry, I decided now wasn't the time to talk about this, now was not the time. _

Addison: Not now okay, not here please just get me out of here.

I nodded I wanted more but I knew now wasn't the time to push her. I don't know what's going to happen or where were going but I know that now's not the time.

Derek: I love you

_I smiled slightly at him, knowing he meant it as I walked to the bathroom to change, after shutting the door behind me I leaned against it and slid to the ground clutching my shirt whispering "I love you to". _

**I've taken all I can take  
And I cannot wait  
We're wastin too much time  
Bein strong, holdin on  
Can't let it bring us down**

I watched her walk into the bathroom knowing this was going to be a long road to recovery but I know that I'm not about to give her up without a fight. I sat on the bed with my head in my hands when I heard the door open I looked up expecting to see Nancy in front of me but to my surprise it was Meredith.

Meredith: Derek I'm uh here are your wife's uh discharge papers

I looked at her taking the papers: Thanks Dr.Grey

Meredith: I hope that she's alright and you are happy

**My life with you means everything  
So I won't give up that easily  
Blowin away blowin away  
Can make this something good?  
Cause it's all misunderstood?**

The door to the bathroom opened and Addie walked into the room, looking at me and then at Meredith as my heart began to race, seeing the pain in her eyes, knowing she was fighting to be strong.

_I opened the bathroom door and walked into the room and I saw her standing there, with my husband looking lovingly at him. Could she make it more obvious that she was in love with my husband. I bit my tongue fighting back the tears, my eyes were burning. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I walked toward them fighting the urge to lose my temper and yell or worse break down crying in front of her. I saw Derek holding papers I looked at him._

Addison: Are those my discharge papers

I nodded as she grabbed them signing them and tossed them onto the bed, grabbing her purse and walking out the door. I looked at Meredith and ran after Addie.

**Well I'll try to do to it right this time around  
It's not over,  
Try to do it right this time around  
It's not over  
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over.**

Derek: Addie…Addie wait please Addie just stop

I saw her stop and turn to me tears flowing down her face, I've seen her cry but looking at her now I knew that she was deeply hurt, more then I've ever seen her before.

**You can't let this get away  
Let it out, let it out  
Don't get caught up in yourself  
Let it out.**

Addison: What Derek

Her voice was shaky as I saw her trying to be strong and keep it together.

Derek: I'm sorry let me explain

Addison: there's no need to explain Derek, you moved on with your intern and that's fine. But for the record Derek I hope she's worth it because what I did was wrong and absolutely horrible I get that, but you moved on with her, you were in a relationship with her and that Derek, that is something that I can never forgive you for. That is unforgivable.

**Let's start over  
Well try to do to it right this time around  
Its not over  
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over.****  
**  
I tried to say something but she just turned and walked away. I stood in the hall watching her walk away, knowing that she was right it was unforgivable. I ran my hand through my hair as I felt the tears begin to pour knowing that I had lost her, 11 years of marriage, 13 years of memories just thrown out the window. I pounded my fists against the wall.

Derek: Dammit

**Lets start over  
Its not over  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over**


	24. The Woman In Me

**I'm not always strong  
And sometimes I'm even wrong  
But I win when I choose  
And I can't stand to lose**

_As I walked away from Derek I knew that was it, it had to be it. I made my way through the hospital halls crying the whole way through until I walked right into Richard._

Richard: Addie oh my god Addie what's wrong

Addison: I…I…I can't I just can't

_I felt his arms tighten around me as I melted into his arms feeling safe and cared for. I was hurting so much I didn't know how much more I could take. Derek is the love of my life, he's my everything, but I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how we will ever get passed it all. _

**But I can't always be  
The rock that you see  
When the nights get too long  
And I just can't go on**

Richard: Oh Addison you can't give up come on lets get you out of this hallway.

_I followed Richard to his office and sat down on his couch leaning my head back taking the box of Kleenex he handed me wiping the tears from my face. _

**The woman in me  
Needs you to be  
The man in my arms  
To hold tenderly**

Richard: What happened Addie?

Addison: Derek and his intern. How could he just move on with her?

Richard: Oh Addison don't you see he hasn't moved on with her. She was a way to try and forget about you but the whole time he was coming to me, talking to me, telling me he was missing you, he wanted you, he chose you. His heart belongs to you and he knows that, he wants you Addie, when Derek first came to me he was angry and then after a couple weeks his anger turned to pain, and he knows he screwed up but Addison I'm telling you he loves you not her.

_Hearing what he said left me more confused I sighed and buried my face in my hands, not knowing what to do._

**Cause I'm a woman in love  
And it's you I run to  
Yeah the woman in me  
Needs the man in you**

Addison: I don't know what to do Richard it's too hard

Richard: Addison it's not going to be easy you and Derek have never really had it easy there's always been something, med school, internship, residency, then Micheal, and whatever's happening now. But Addie you two have always made it through, you've both always fought for what was most important and that was your marriage and the love you have for one another. So let me make it easy for you

_Listening to Richard left my mind wander through the last 13 years and everything that we've been through and all the tough times we went through where everyone thought we wouldn't make it and still 13 years later we were still together. Wait make it easy for me what is he talking about?_

**When the world wants too much  
And it feels cold and out of touch  
It's a beautiful place  
When you kiss my face**

Addison: what are you talking about making it easy for me?

Richard: I'm offering you a job here at Seattle Grace you will have the best neo natal ward in the country with a salary I don't think that you will complain about and a signing bonus to stay here, to stay and work things out with Derek.

Addison: I Richard I

Richard: Addison take some time and think about it. I gave your husband the next two weeks off to be with you. Decide then but Addison I recommend you stay, I think a fresh start for you and Derek will do you both and your baby good.

_I nodded unsure of what to say as I headed out of his office._

**The woman in me  
Needs you to be  
The man in my arms  
To hold tenderly**

Richard: Addie one more thing…he loves you remember that. Remember your vows the vows you wrote to one another.

_I turned and nodded before walking out the door closing it behind me I leaned against the wall his final words ringing over and over in my head "remember your vows" I found myself remember our wedding day as if it were yesterday. _

**Cause I'm a woman in love  
And it's you I run to  
Yeah the woman in me  
Needs the man in you**

Flashback:

Minister:  
We are gathered here today to witness the coming together of two people, Derek and Addison, whose hearts and spirits are entwined as one. They now desire to profess before all the world their intention henceforth to walk the road of life together.

If you would have the foundation of your marriage be the devotion you have for one another, not just at this moment, but for all the days to come, then treasure the hopes and dreams that you bring here today. Establish that your love will never be blotted out by the common nor obscured by the ordinary in life. Faults will surface where now you find comfort, and admiration can be shattered by the routine of daily life.

Dedication, love, and joy can grow only when you nourish them together. Stand fast in that hope and confidence, having faith in your shared destiny just as strongly as you have faith in yourselves and in one another today. Only with this spirit can you forge a union that will strengthen and endure all the days of your lives.

The beliefs and thoughts about love which motivate these two people are perhaps best expressed in the words of poet Kahlil Gibran:

"You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore.  
You shall be together when the wings of death scatter your days.  
Ay, you shall be together even in your silent memory.  
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,  
And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.  
Love one another, but make not a bondage of love.  
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.  
Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.  
Give one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.  
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,  
Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.  
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,  
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.  
And stand together, yet not too near together,  
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,  
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow."

Now for the exchanging of the rings you have for one another

Derek: I, Derek, take you, Addison, as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquility, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not know yet, in all the ways that life may find us.

Addison, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the name of God.

Addison: I, Addison, take you, Derek, as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquility, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not know yet, in all the ways that life may find us.

Derek, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the name of God.

_Addison looks up at Derek smiling with tears in her eyes, tears of happiness as they hold onto one anothers hands looking down at the rings they have just placed on eachothers fingers_.

Minister: Addison, please face Derek, and hold his hands, palms up, so you may see the gift that they are to you.These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.

These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until he too, feels his child stir within you.

These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your baby for the first time.

These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family

These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind.

These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Derek, please hold Addison's hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you. These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.

These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them alongthe way, and knowing when it is time to let go.

These are the hands that will massage tension from you neck and back in the evenings after you?ve both had a long hard day.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times

These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.

They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement and hope, each time she tells you that you are to have another child, that together you have created a new life.

These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

Minister:

God, bless these hands that you see before you this day. May they always be held by one another. Give them the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as they nurture each other in their wondrous love. Help these hands to continue building a relationship founded in your grace, rich in caring, and devoted in reaching for your perfection. May Derek and Addison see their four hands as healer, protector, shelter and guide. We ask this in your name, Amen.

May these two find happiness in their union. May they live faithfully together, executing the vows they have made between them; and may they ever remain compassionate and encouraging, that their years may be rich with the joys of life, and their days be long upon the Earth.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

**Yeah the woman in me  
Needs the man in you**

_As I remembered our wedding day I couldn't help but smile, knowing that what we shared that day could never just be thrown out the window. I stayed there for a moment longer reliving the moment over and over in my head finding the strength I needed to move forward and fight for my husband._

**I need you baby  
Yeah yeah Oh baby...**


	25. When He Leaves You

_Hey everyone thanks for the comments I'm thouroughly enjoying writing this fic it's definitely different for me to write an Addison and Derek fic I usually write Mer and Der fics. And my Addison and Alex fic that I have been meaning to update but have lost it because of my computer crashing hoping that I will be able to recover it sometime from another site. Well anyways I made a mistake in Chapter 17 and 21 I forgot 2 chapters so I added them to the chapter 17 and 21. So please check out those chapters to see the changes that I had made to those 2 chapters._

Hope you continue to read and leave comments it keeps me going :)

So now onto this update I want you all to know that I wrote this update for Addison to have the chance to come face to face with the woman that she feels is her competition, the woman that had her husband willing to throw away an 11 year marriage. I think it's common to for many woman who have had their partners have an affair to want to see the woman face to face and talk with her. Keep in mind she doesn't hate Meredith but she wants to make sure that Meredith knows she's not backing down she is going to fight for her husband and her family. I am hoping that I wrote it with enough class as we all know Addison is a classy woman and of course she needed to have a bit of attitude when confronting Meredith. Hope you enjoy it please leave comments let me know what you think about this particular chapter I wasn't going to write it but felt that it would provide a bit of closure for Addison in terms of Derek's relationship with Meredith, I think it will help her find the strength she needs to work through this with Derek.

**I come here as a friend  
Though I don't really know you  
I know you're in love with him  
And he's made your world brand new  
I know you think he loves you  
And he may believe it too  
Pour some coffee and I'll tell you  
What you'll soon be going through**

_I walked through the halls of the hospital in search of one person, one intern to be exact an intern I recently found out was one Dr. Grey. I wanted to come face to face with the woman who made my husband forget about me. Standing ahead of me at a nurses station was none other then Dr. Grey herself. I leaned against the wall watching her every move, I didn't hate her of course not she didn't know he was married, I just wanted to see her. I guess she felt someone was watching her as she turned and looked my way, she looked down before walking toward me._

Meredith: Dr. Shepard

Addison: So you're the woman who was screwing my husband

Meredith: I'm sorry I didn't know he was married

Addison: I know, I'm sorry I didn't mean to be like that. I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with my husband.

Meredith: Is there something….did you want something?

**When he leaves you  
It's gonna more than break your heart  
When he leaves you  
It's gonna tear your world apart  
And you're conna cry a million teardrops  
One for every shattered dream  
When he leaves you  
And comes back home to me**

Addison: No I just wanted to see you face to face, see my competition and see what was my husband was going to throw away an 11 year marriage and 13 year relationship for. Now looking at you I can see you've fallen in love with my husband

_She couldn't even look at me, she looked down as soon as I said that to her. Confirming my suspisions she was in love with him. I fought back the tears I was not going to let her know that she's upset me that her relationship with my husband is killing me. I need to be strong. _

**I've known him all thses years  
Honey this time's not the first time  
I've paid for loving him with tears  
And when it's over he'll be mine**

Addison: It's alright Dr. Grey, I mean it's hard not to fall in love with him. I'm just sorry that you had to get hurt in all of this.

Meredith: Uhm look Dr. Shep…

Addison: It's okay Dr. Grey I just ask that you please leave our marriage alone, we've been through a lot and we are trying

Meredith: For what it's worth Dr. Shepard I'm not your competition I wish I was but I'm not

**I can see I've upset you  
Guess I'm a fool to try and help  
When it comes hearts and heartache  
You got to find out for yourself**

Addison: Well lets just hope so because I'm not going to give up without a fight, we've been through to much to let it all go. I was going to walk away at first but we took vows, vows that mean a lot to both of us and I can't just walk away from that.

Meredith: You already have him Dr. Shepard I know that, yes I do love him but I know that the love he has for you he will never have for me.

**When he leaves you  
It's gonna more than break your heart  
When he leaves you  
It's gonna tear your world apart  
And you're conna cry a million teardrops  
One for every shattered dream  
When he leaves you  
And comes back home to me**

Addison: I'm sorry if I upset you that wasn't my intention. Now if you will excuse me Dr.Grey I need to get off my feet I'm on bed rest. I'll be seeing you again soon Dr.Grey and look forward to working with you.

_I smiled a fake smile at her before walking away. That felt good, knowing the truth knowing that she was in love with my husband, but needing to see the woman that my husband was willing to leave an 11 year marriage for. But right now I needed to get to my hotel, I was starting to feel tired and nothing was worth losing my baby. I made my way out of the hospital taking a deep breath of the crisp fresh air. I grabbed a cab and headed back to the hotel, hoping for a quiet night._

**When he leaves you  
And comes back home to me**


	26. Someday

**How the hell did we wind up like this  
Why weren't we able  
To see the signs that we missed  
And try to turn the tables**

_I got back to my hotel and made my way up to my room, as I opened the door to my room I saw Derek sitting there waiting for me just as I suspected. I sighed not wanting to fight with him tonight, or deal with him, I just wanted to have a bath and go to bed._

I was pacing back and forth in her hotel room, seeing her unpacked suitcases on the floor, I started unpacking needing to keep myself busy worrying sick over where she was and what she was doing and if she was alright. God what have I done, I can't believe this has happened. My heart was aching with worry, I sat on the bed after what seemed like hours of pacing staring straight at the door waiting for the door to open and see her walk through that door, just to see her walk through the door will be enough for me, I need to know that she's alright. Oh god Addie baby please come back soon. I buried my face in my hands taking a deep breath fighting back the tears that were stinging my eyes, when I heard the click of the door knowing that someone had just swiped their card to get into the room, looking up I saw her standing before me, her face pale and eyes swollen and red. I sighed a big sigh of relief to see her there safe. I jumped off the bed heading towards her wanting to take her into my arms and hold her, feel her body melt into mine as she used to do everytime I took her in my arms, knowing that wouldn't happen not this time. I really screwed up this time.

**I wish you'd unclench your fists  
And unpack your suitcase  
Lately there's been too much of this  
Dont think its too late**

Derek: Oh god Addie where have you been we've been worried sick about you Nancy just left we've both been calling you every five minutes

**Nothin's wrong  
just as long as  
you know that someday I will**

_I looked at him I could see he was worried sick. I sighed and looked away from him, as I held open the door for him. Not wanting to maintain eye contact with him, knowing that if I were to look into those eyes I would be done for._

**Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when**

Addison: Well I'm fine and I'm here now so you can go

Derek: Addie

Addison: Don't Addie me you lost that right a long time ago, now leave

Derek: Add..Addison please

**Well i hoped that since we're here anyway  
We could end up saying  
Things we've always needed to say  
So we could end up stringing  
Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Lets rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a hollywood horror**

_I looked at him pleading with me, his eyes full of remorse._

Addison: good night Derek

**Nothin's wrong  
just as long as  
you know that someday I will**

_I watched him look at me one more time before walking out shutting the door behind him, I leaned against the door resting my head against it and placing my hand against it. I could feel him against the other side of the door, I started to cry quietly._

**Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)**

Addison: I love you Derek, always and forever

I walked out the door leaning against the door once she shut it, placing my hand against it, feeling her on the other side of the door, I could hear her start to sob quietly.

**How the hell did we wind up like this  
Why weren't we able  
To see the signs that we missed  
And try to turn the tables  
Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Lets rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a hollywood horror**

Derek: I love you Addie, always and forever

I turned and made my way toward the elevator stopping once more to look back toward her room hoping she would change her mind, hoping she would just let me stay with her.

**Nothin's wrong  
just as long as  
you know that someday I will**

_I heard his footsteps knowing that he was leaving, sighing as a part of me wanted to open the door and run after him, but the other part of me still stinging from seeing my husband with his slutty mistress. I turned from the door and headed to the bathroom, having a bath before I settled down for the night._

**Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
gonna make it allright but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
I know you're wondering when**


	27. Way Back Into Love

**I've been living with a shadow overhead,  
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,  
I've been lonely for so long,  
Trapped in the past,  
I just can't seem to move on!**

A week later at work I was dragging my feet, I tossed and turned every night trying to figure out what to do next. Addie was still not talking to me, I couldn't get her to open the door to her hotel room, nothing, and she was constantly on my mind driving me to insanity. I can't eat, sleep, work, or think anything but Addison, the way she smells, the way she laughs, the way she bites her lower lip when she's nervous or concentrating during surgery, the way her face lights up when she is happy, the way I haven't seen it light up in the last two years. The way she looked the night our son died, the way she cried every night since then, and I turned my back to her rolling over consumed with my own pain. The way she begged and pleaded with me not to walk out on her the night I found her with Mark, the way she looked at me when she fell down the stairs the night she found out about Meredith, the hurt in her eyes when she realized what I had done. Consumed with all of these thoughts and all of my guilt, was Nancy right did I really push my wife into Mark's arms? Did I really let my wife go? Did I ignore her to the point of no return? Even with all of these thoughts floating in my head the one thing that I thought of the most was how much my life means with her in it and how much I need her by my side and most of all how much I love her. As I lean against the nurses station thinking of her my thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice.

Richard: Derek

Derek: Oh Richard I'm sorry I was just

I looked into the eyes of a man I respected, a mentor, a teacher, and a friend I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

Richard: Come on Derek

**I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,  
Just in case I ever need them again someday,  
I've been setting aside time,  
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!**

I followed Richard down the hall the tears pouring down my face, never in a million years did I expect that I would be walking through the hospital halls with people staring at me crying, we made it to his office and I walked in collapsing on the couch crying harder.

Derek: I…just…I just don't know what to do

Richard: Sure you do

I looked at him confused not sure what he means

Richard: You Derek are going to go to your wife and remind her how much you love her, and how much she means to you.

Derek: But she won't listen

Richard: Then make her listen Derek. Addison has always been a very stubborn woman, the Addison I know loves you unconditionally, the Addison I know, wants very much for her husband to fight for her and their marriage. For once Derek she's stopped fighting, for once she isn't going to fight for the both of you, for once Derek you need to meet her half way and fight for your marriage. The Derek I know loves that woman with all of his heart, the Derek I know would never of let his wife wake up every morning or go to bed every night without letting her know that she was the love of his life. The Derek and Addison I remember were head over heels in love, you were the couple many envied to have the love that you share many only dreamed of having. The Derek I know would not be sitting her crying in my office, while his wife is sitting in a hotel room wanting her husband to remember their vows, to remember that she pledged her love and commitment to him as he did her for the rest of their lives through good times and bad, well Derek have you been through the bad times?

I looked at Richard wiping the tears from my eyes knowing he was right.

Derek: I love her Richard, she won't even talk to me

Richard: and if I remember correctly you ran away from New York and didn't speak to your wife for months after what happened with Mark. She was the one that flew down here to see you, I think she's entitled to be angry and not want to talk to you after finding out about Meredith don't you think?

**All I want to do is find a way back into love.  
I can't make it true without a way back into love.  
Oooooh.**

I looked at him and realized he was right again, he is right, it's always been Addison to make the first step, she's always been the one to fight for us, now it's my turn. All of a sudden it came to me.

Derek: I have to go

Richard: Go

I looked back at my friend once more before leaving his office: Thank you

**I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,  
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,  
I know that it's out there,  
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!**

_As I lie in bed thinking about Derek, non stop thinking about Derek, I can't eat, sleep or think anything but Derek. He hasn't made it easier on me though constantly phoning and showing up at my door, I don't know what to do, I know I can't keep avoiding him forever. Every day I'm reminded of him, the way he smells, the way he talks just hearing his voice soothes me, the way he smiles, the way he would look up at me in the gallery while performing surgeries as if to show he needed me there to support him. The way we were a team and how we fed off of eachother and how we supported each other no matter what. The way he used to wrap his arms around me holding me tight, the rhythm of his heart beat when I laid my head on his chest. I want that back, I want my husband back, my marriage back. I just don't know how to get it back and I know at some point were going to have to talk, I don't want to give up on my marriage, I just don't know how much I have in me to give anymore I don't want to be the only one fighting. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the faint sounds of knocking at my door, I sighed taking a deep breath knowing who was on the other end, knowing it was now or never. I made my way to the door taking one last deep breath before opening the door._

**I've been looking for someone to shed some light,  
Not somebody just to get me through the night,  
I could use some direction,  
And I'm open to your suggestions.**

I made my way up to her hotel room, holding a bouquet of white lily's, lily's were her favourite, Lily's were the flower theme at our wedding. Smiling stupidly knowing that this had to work, this plan was master proof, this plan would show her how much she means to me. I made my way to her door my palms sweating, me heart racing now knowing if she would even open the door to me but praying today she would, today is the day that I am going to fight for my wife. I knocked on her door, hearing her shuffling around in her room, closing my eyes as I heard the soft click of the door opening, upon the door opening, I opened my eyes and staring back at me were the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, the eyes of my soul mate, the eyes of the woman I most see myself in. I smiled slightly at her holding out the flowers to her.

**All I want to do is find a way back into love.  
I can't make it through without a way back into love.  
And if I open my heart again,  
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!  
Oooooooh, Ooooooh, Ooooooh.**

_I open the door and look up to see the most amazing blue eyes staring back at me, the eyes that make me go weak in the knees, the eyes of my soul mate, the man I most see myself in. I saw him smile holding out flowers, Lily's he brought me lily's, my favourite flower. I couldn't help but smile slightly, as I stepped back from the door ushering him in, shutting the door quietly following him into the room. I stopped and looked at him, he looked very nervous and it started making me nervous._

Addison: Derek

Derek: Addie oh god Addie I didn't expect you to answer the door…oh god your beautiful

I wanted to run over to her and take her in my arms and hold her tight never wanting to let her go.

Addison: Derek

Derek: No wait let me finish, please just sit down

_Taking my hand he led me over to the bed sitting me down, he got on his knees looking up at me smiling with the most goofiest grin I've seen in a long time. I could feel his palms sweating, with a slight tremble, I couldn't help but smile seeing him like this was a refreshing change, he hasn't been like this since the day he proposed._

Derek: Addie I know I screwed up, we both have, but I know that I forgot to show your and remind you every morning and every night that you were the love of my life, I know that I became distant and I took you for granted, and I know that I have been given more chances then any one should ever be given. I took advantage of the love that you had for me knowing, that you loved me and would never leave me, but Addie I love you and I will never again take advantage of you, because the last few months have been hell. Hell Addie not seeing you, not holding you, not hearing your voice or feel your body next to mine in bed, not seeing your smile, or looking into your eyes and seeing me in them.

**There are moments when I don't know if it's real  
Or if anybody feels the way I feel  
I need inspiration  
Not just another negotiation**

I took a deep breath looking up at her seeing her eyes start to well up with tears, taking my thumb wiping the few that have started to fall. Smiling up at her knowing this was it, this was my time to fight, this was her time to remember how special she truly is. I took her palms holding them upright in mine, just like I did on our wedding day.

Derek: Addison Shepard these are the hands of my best friend, these are the hands that have that have massaged tension from my neck and back in the evenings after we've both had a long hard day. These are the hands that have held me tight as we've struggled through difficult times. These are the hands that have comforted me when I've been sick, and have consoled me when I was grieving. These are the hands that have loved me and cherished me throughout the years, they are the hands that have geld me in joy and excitement and hope. These are the hands that have supported and encouraged me to chase my dreams. Together as a team, and that Addie is something I've forgotten, I've forgotten that we are a team and I'm never going to do that again, I am just a man kneeling her before you asking you to be no one other than yourself and asking you to lean on me for the strength to hold on during this hard time. Asking you to love me once again, asking you to let me love you once again, because Addie without you I have nothing, I am nothing, because you complete me in every way.

_I looked down at him with tears pouring down my face, those words were perfect, they were beautiful, I looked down at my hands, in his holding my palms upright, just like he had on our wedding day. I took my hands placing them on his face before leaning in and kissing him softly, I felt his hand on the back of my head kissing me back with tenderness and love. I found myself melting into him, feeling my knees go weak._

**All I want to do is find a way back into love,  
I can't make it through without a way back into love,  
And if I open my heart to you,  
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,  
And if you help me to start again,  
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!  
Oooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooh Ooooooooh. Ooooooooh.**

I looked up at her seeing the tears pouring down her face, smiling up at her, feeling her hands on my face, feeling her lips on mine kissing me tenderly with love, I kissed her back with everything I had in me placing one hand on the back of her head, intensifying the kiss losing myself in her like I had so many times in the past. Pulling away looking into her eyes both of us breathless.

Derek: I love you Addison Shepard

Addison: I love you Derek Shepard


	28. As Long As I Have You

**Hey everyone thank you so much for the reviews I appreciate it :) Sorry for the lack of updates my schedule is very hectic and have been adjusting to it. So this chapter is shorter then most but it's just filler stuff right now until I move onto the next big thing.**

Hope you enjoy and feedback is greatly appreciated :)

**  
Christina**

**Let the stars fade and fall  
And I won't care at all  
As long as I have you**

The next morning I woke up to the soft scent of coconut and vanilla invading my nose oh how I've missed that smell. I wrapped my arms tighter around her, last night was the best sleep I've had in ages, I don't remember the last time I slept that good. I smiled as I felt her stir and snuggle in closer to be her head now on my chest.

Derek: good morning beautiful

_I woke up the next morning in Derek's arms feeling his arms tighten around me, I smiled as snuggled in closer laying my head on his chest listening to his heart beat like I had so many times in the past. Last night was the first night I've slept good in so long. I hear his voice like I used to every morning years ago before everything started falling apart, for this morning it felt like old times, we were Derek and Addison again….well sort of._

Addison: mmm morning

Derek: did you sleep well?

Addison: yes did you?

Derek: Sure did I haven't slept that well in awhile

Addison: me either

**Every kiss brings a thrill  
And I know that it will  
As long as I have you**

I tilt her head up to mine and softly plant a kiss on her lips, a kiss that she intensified almost immediately. Feeling the heat and desire she had for me, just as I have for her. I pulled back slightly not wanting to rush things because lets face it were not back to where we used to be, we still have a long road to go and I don't want to screw it up this time.

Derek: mmm we shouldn't…oh god Addie

_I felt his hand on my chin as he tilted my head up toward his planting a soft kiss on my lips, I felt a strong desire wanting and needing him right now. I needed to feel his skin against my skin, his hands roam my body, feel him inside of me right now. I kissed him harder and full of passion and desire when I felt him pull back. Hearing his words "we shouldn't" I know he's right it's too soon, but I can't help but feel rejected. I pushed him away from me getting up staring at him with confusion and start to walk away._

Addison: Fine I'm going for a shower

I looked at her knowing that I upset her not meaning to.

Derek: Addie stop

**Let's think of the future  
Forget the past  
You're not my first love  
But you're my last  
Take the love that I bring  
Then I'll have everything  
As long as I have you**

I stopped dead in my tracks looking turning around looking at him my eyes filled with tears. Watching him walk towards me with compassion in his eyes knowing that he was right seeing the pain in his eyes. Feeling him take my hands in his standing in front of me.

Derek: Addie if this is going to work, if were going to make it we have to take it slow we can't rush it and if we were to do this I'm afraid that it would be a mistake and…

Before I could finish my sentence I heard her interrupt me knowing immediately I said the wrong thing.

_Hearing him talk knowing he was right..right until he said mistake_

Addison: A mistake sleeping with your wife is a mistake?

Derek: No Addie not a mistake sleeping with you would never be a mistake I just oh god Addie I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and we have so much we need to work on and I want us to make it and I don't want you to think that all I want from you is sex I want so much more then that. We need to rebuild trust.

**Let's think of the future  
Forget the past  
You're not my first love  
But you're my last  
Take the love that I bring  
Then I'll have everything  
As long as I have you**

_I looked deeply into his eyes seeing the sincerity in his eyes feeling much better knowing that if we wanted to make it that rushing into bed wouldn't help matters._

Addison: Your right I'm sorry I just

Derek: Shh you don't have to explain anything

Wrapping my arms around her I felt her melt into me as I kissed the top of her head not wanting to let her go.

Addison: were going to make it right?

Derek: As long as we have each other we'll be fine

Addison: yeah as long as we have each other

**As long, as long as I have you**


End file.
